2008

[ALL RIGHTS RESERVED FOR THE PHOTO]

The year our family lost two of our loved ones – Aunt AiAi and Grandpa.
The year I finally graduated with a Bachelor's and wore the square hat.
The year I had an enjoyable and memorable trip to USA with my lovely nine.
The year I had our first trip out with my dear V3 to HongKong.
The year I really learnt so much about cherishing my loved ones more.
The year I needed to expose myself to the society.
The year that leaves me on the fence.
The year that taught me immeasurable amount of lessons.
The year that left me with many tasks unaccomplished.

It is a bittersweet year. And happiness and hurt are feelings so pure and distinctive.

The only way to appreciate bliss is to have a taste of bitterness.
The flavours of life.
Only the contrast would make happiness stand out. Things that were once taken for granted seem so much of an importance now. Things that 'you-never-knew' appears before me vividly now.

Good times and bad times. Every year is a mixture of that, just that this year I'm feeling the impact so much more. Good or bad, these are lessons I have to learn and will learn sooner or later. Things that are fated to happen, things that are entwined in your life, things that are bound to happen, or waiting to happen.

Life, it's all about a few decades on earth with a hopefully healthy body. It's for you to taste the flavours of life and take risks and accomplish tasks. Once you're done, time is up. Sometimes there isn't enough time for some to accomplish what they've set their mind to do, but time is up for them, period.

I know time will not stop for me, and the lessons I've learnt will threaten me to stop procrastinating and start filling my life with more colours.

If I could buy one thing, I would buy health and store it so that any loved ones or I could use it if needed.

If I could buy a second thing, I would buy safety to keep myself and all loved ones safe.

And if I could buy a third thing, I would buy confidence for myself. I really lack it and need encouragement from time to time to keep it at a minimum level.

My wishes are getting simpler by the year. Maybe I'm getting old too...

I hope, sincerely and with all my heart, that the new year, 2009, will be a smooth-sailing year. It need not be a splendid year, even though it would be fabulous if it will be, but I'll make do with a year without unhappy events.

Just want all my family and friends to stay safe, healthy, and happy.

Love you. *hugs*

Misunderstood...

I fought with myself, if I should publish this article, afraid it might cause any unneccessary misunderstanding again when I really don't mean what was misinterpreted. Supressed, yes I am. How can I not be after such a scare? But I figured that's not the way to keep my thoughts to myself. If I don't explode from being wronged and not being able to explained myself, I'll just be crushed. Although I'm thankful there were still people who trusted that I didn't mean what was misintepreted.

I guess if there's someone who's most upset about the incident, it would be me. Being misunderstood that I'm a childish immature insensitive kid who points her fingers at others when I don't know a thing. Being misunderstood by people who I keep in my prayers when I pray for the health and safety of my entire family whenever I pray to Guan Yin NiangNiang; People who I cherish who have or don't have blood ties with me, but as important; my family, friends, and all relatives, distant or not.

I'm learning more and more how precious life is especially in these few weeks, having just lost our grandfather and Aunt AiAi several months ago, knowing Cai, who just lost his mother months ago and grandfather a week ago, has another grandfather on the losing end with his fight with the illness, and uncle's friend meeting with an accident and struck with a coma, his destiny ahead a mystery. I am thankful and grateful, I really am, of what I have right now. Simple, yet so important, and sometimes taken for granted. My family and friends all mean so much to me, words aren't enough to bring that out. And being misunderstood by these people who I cherish as well, is certainly an awful feeling.

Just wanted to say, blog-reading is something that has to be done with an open mind, bearing in mind that if the writer seems to be pointing fingers, the person is probably not you he/she is referring to. And if anything sounds offensive yet subtle, then it's probably not referring to what you're thinking. In any case, if it's not written out, then it doesn't mean what one has misintepreted. I guess I'm still worth being given that benefit of doubt? I'm not that unworthy of that little bit of trust, am I? If you know me enough, you would trust that I wouldn't do such a thing, knowing the writing has an audience, albeit not big, but people who are important enough in my life. If it was something that was meant to offend anyone in the first place, it wouldn't have been published. Although in the first place, there was really nothing for me to be pointing at.

If anything, please confront me, cause then I would know what went wrong, and be given a chance to explain myself. I want to clear any misunderstanding. Ask me, please. I really hate the feeling of being wronged. The simple words, the heartbroken thoughts that were put into words on the night after grandpa left us, misunderstood and twisted – never meant to hurt. They were written not to point fingers at anyone, cause I don't have the right to, and neither do I need to. I simply do what is clear with my conscience and don't do what is against it. Words that weren't meant to hurt, injured others eventually, but I didn't know why. Although I really didn't mean it that way. I didn't get a chance to explain myself, but I hope the adults' explaination on my behalf sufficed to clear the misunderstanding – that the words never meant to hurt, that sentence were just a simple wish on my part. As simple as a wish like for a job to land as soon as possible, or for the rain to stop. A girl, wishing for the best for her family. That's it. Nothing in between the lines at all. Not at all. Never meant to refer to anything else except those that were written. Sincerely. As for the stating of the hours, it was merely a log for myself to remember what I did, in case I lost my memory or can't recall any part of the incident one day. The stating of the time was never meant to mean something else, it was written just like i would have written in a paper diary with intentions along the line of - “Rainy day, 11:oopm. I spent the last four hours in the cafe, waiting for my friend to arrive with my book.” Different words, different situation, but written with the same intentions. A pure intention of just noting down what I did, in case one day I forgot, or lost my memory (touch wood!). As simple as that.

I hope the misunderstanding is further cleared from the roots now. It was bugging me, and I'm letting it go already. It won't bug me anymore, just like I hope the misintended hurt that the misintepretation caused would subside and fade away eventually, bringing back the gentle ripples in the sea, and maintaining the way it was. A new year ahead, a new chapter to write. As cliche as it may sound, let bygones be bygones.

End of 2008.
End of all misunderstandings.
End of it...

Goodbye, KongKong...

It took me a long time before mentioning about Yee didn't hurt, and now, calling KongKong sting my eyes with tears and delivers a stab in my heart.

We received a call from Aunt Aileng around 5am, telling us that she got a call from the hospital, asking us to rush down as Grandpa is at his last. I don't know how I bruhed my teeth, and did away with washing my face, and threw on any plain looking clothes, and we rushed our way to the hospital, hoping to bid him farewell for the last time.

When we reached the hospital, I already had a bad feeling, and as we were about to enter the ward, the nurse's expression already told me something. Once we saw KongKong's face drained of blood and tucked in neatly, lying still, we knew the answer. But poor Grandma still wasn't aware that Grandpa had left cuz the non-chinese nurses couldn't communicate with her. She sat there crying alone as she reached the hospital first, asking us to call Grandpa to get him to wake up, thinking he was still alive. But Grandpa couldn't hold on any longer, he was too much in pain, and had to go before we and Uncle Boon arrived. He left quietly at 0458 hours, and I really really hope he wasn't in too much pain when he left. His body was still warm when we rushed down within the hour of the call. KongKong...

On one hand, I knew this was a relief for him, free of all pain and illnesses and meeting his mother-in-law and daughter in heaven, looking upon us. On the other hand, I'm missing him terribly already. I held in my tears all day, not wanting to affect Grandma with my grief. She's sad enough, having to cope another death of her loved one within the same year. She hasn't even gotten over Aunt AiAi yet, and KongKong can't accompany her anymore.

When we went home with Grandma while the body was being cleaned and embalmed at the casket, I almost thought I saw KongKong coming out from the shower. And then I knocked myself out of it, reminding myself that KongKong has left. I couldn't help but walked into KongKong's room, looking at the things he left behind. Every single thing in its own special place reminded me of him. And the tears came again. I miss him so much... so much... But the whole family was there, leaving for the casket, and I swallowed the tears again, wiping off the stains on my cheeks and avoided any eye contact. I just couldn't help it. Then the busy day extended from there. We were kept busy all the time that there was hardly time to quieten down and grieve silently on my own. My appetite was lost until my stomach grumbled to notify its emptiness with only gastric juices. But my brains weren't emitting signs to start an appetite, it was just lost with our lost.

KongKong is dressed smartly, neatly, and nicely in a gentlemanly suit, just as he would like it. He had always been especially particular about his cleanliness and neatness. And we took extra care that he was dressed in his best suit for his last. Mum, JingYu, Dad, and I rushed around to look for a presentable shirt to match his coat as the shirts he owned were quite old already. The shirt is Mum's final present to him.

December 13, both his birth date and death date. Being a traditional person, he disliked the number 13, and doesn't like celebrating his birthday on the 13th and instead celebrates according to his birthday on the lunar calendar. Borned in 1925 (according to the birth certificate) and passed away in 2008, having lived for 83 years, bringing us countless precious memories and love.

The wake will last for five days, so that Uncle Boon would have enough time to bid his father farewell and accompany him on the last journey. If there is anything I can do now for KongKong, it is to take extra care of Grandma. This, we've been doing, and will do so more often. I hope the other relatives would drop by to visit her more often too. Like I mentioned yesterday, you might not enjoy their accompany, but they would definitely appreciate yours. If the workers from the church can do so to show their concern, why can't we, as family members, make the extra effort to care more for our grandmother who loves us with all her heart and kindly given us so much unconditional love? After all, it is only right to do so. Because she deserves the care and concern, and should be showered with more to fill up KongKong's now empty space.

Sigh... well, at least my conscience is clear, as we accompanied KongKong the entire day and almost entire night yesterday, being with him since 2pm to 10:30pm. I had a weird feeling, and messaged many to ask if they were coming to visit, but most were busy with other things in their lifes. I guess it can't be helped. At least he wasn't alone the entire day, many concerned relatives made an effort to make a trip down, even if it was just for a while. I'm sure KongKong appreciated that although he couldn't show it.

And so, this is what they call, "they more you experience in life, the more you'll learn to let go of things you once held so tightly and thought so highly of." As time goes by, our journey of learning never stops, just like the journey of life.

I will always miss you so badly, KongKong. So badly. The way you call me "Ah Pui Jie" or "Zhu Zai Ching" even though I hated the nicknames cuz they were pointed at my size, it was an exception that I couldn't get angry about cuz I knew your teasing isn't meant as hurt but out of pure love. How you called JingYu "JinYu JinGai Curry Gai." And even how you like to beat JingYu's butt when we drop by for dinner every Saturday when we head home. There are so many things that will remind us of your presence in our lifes...

I'll let time heal the wound, but the vivid memories will never ever fade...

I love you forever, KongKong.

Goodbye...

Please hang on...

I sat there alone, in my grandfather's ward, watching him struggling with every breath. We keep telling him to wait for Uncle Boon to come back, and he seems to respond somehow, giving a slight nod or letting out a soft noise, to let us know that he's still fighting on with all his might to see his son. Being alone in the room with just him is utterly depressing, my heart aches with every sight of him trying his best to breathe with the oxygen provided through the oxygen mask. My cousin said the amount of oxygen they're providing through the mask is already at the maximum of 15. My heart skips a beat when I don't hear anything, then pounds quickly again once I hear him breathing again, as if trying to make up for the missed beat.

My tears threaten to burst out of its boundaries any moment.

We stayed in the hospital fromm 2pm to 10pm+ today, trying to keep Grandpa company. I don't want him to wake up from his drowsy state and find no one beside him. I guess it'll feel quite horrible. I want to be by his side whenever I can, cuz I don't want any regrets. I grew up at my grandparents' place, so they practically brought me up until Primary 5 when I shifted back to stay with my parents. They brought me to school, took care of me, and gave me unconditional love. Of all the cousins, I think I stayed the longest with my grandparents. I don't know if that equates to how close I am to them or the love I have for them, I just know I love and cherish them very much. Many grandchildren these days cannot even communicate with their grandparents, but I'm proud to say I don't have a problem speaking to them, having spoken their dialect and growing up with their care. I enjoy their company, and I know they enjoy mine too. When I'm free after school, I would sometimes pop by their house and start rambling about my day, my friends, or anything under the sky, simply because I know grandparents enjoy their grandchildren's company, even if they can't communicate. At least I wouldn't have regrets on this part, cuz I made extra efforts to spend time with them. And I will continue to make more efforts accompanying my two grandmothers. It's a pity that many don't get to communicate with their grandparents, sometimes even parents. Why not make an effort today? You might not enjoy their company, but they'll definitely enjoy yours. And that's enough.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and I guess it'll be the same tonight. Every time I close my eyes, the images comes to mind, playing at its own rate right in front of my closed eyelids. It's unbearable, the pain and worry. I kept praying, and crying, and praying, that I lost count. The only thing I hope for now is that Grandpa is not feeling too much pain holding on, and that Uncle Boon would make it home in time. He would be taking his flight some hours later, arriving only 19 hours later. 19 hours may seem like a short time if you're not in a hurry, but these 2 days are of utmost importance for us.

Our entire family is praying hard, and I believe regardless of religions, the kind gods above will try their best to work their magic. I can't bear to let Grandpa go, but his body has gone through the toil over the decades and did its best serving its master well. I understand everything comes to an end one day, machines wear out, so do humans. This, I know, I knew long ago, but I guess I'll never be ready for it. Not this kind.

The doctor came in today, to inform us of what they'd done to help him recover, but the ailing body is not responding to the strongest medicine, and nothing much can be done except to provide the oxygen and keep Grandpa as comfortable as possible so that he's not in pain.

Please, let Grandpa hang on until he sees his son. That's all I ask for. I love you, KongKong. Always will. Please hang on for just a little more. Please...

The "Downs"

I know it's silly, but the "pre-birthday depression" has hit my shores again. Every year, without fail, I get these weird "down" days, and the rainy season doesn't help, it just leaves me feeling even more depressed. PMS probably chipped in too, whatever.

I hope to spend my 22nd birthday at a peaceful and quiet place this year. Probably to smooth out what 2008 had done to me. Joy? Yup, certainly. Pain and loss, definitely. Achievement, if graduating with a Bachelors of Arts count.

I just feel like having a relaxing birthday this year. Not really having a party in mind, probably just simple joy at a peaceful and beautiful place with fresh air with some of my favourite people, even one will do. Just need someone to go with me, cuz of various concerns.

Simple one.

Anyone wants to join me? My birthday falls on a Saturday (November 15, 2008) and I plan for it to be a weekend escapade.

Check out http://www.zuji.com.sg . The cheapest package is at $78. I dont have much excess money to spend too, but my "down-ness" calls for it... Gee..

My Dad says I'm full of weird ideas, and he doesn't understand why I have to spend my birthday overseas when I don't even hold a full-time job yet. Even if it sounds illogical and immature, topped with irresponsibility and childishness, so be it. "Living for the moment" sounds irresponsible, but... oh well...

I'm enjoying rotting at home when I don't have to work currently, but not with the delay of my pay for the previous month.

Just wanna look at.. the sunset...

---------------------------------

노을..바라보다 [Look at... the sunset]
Officially known as Picture of You in English



[ All rights reserved for this photo of the sunset.]



TRANSLATION
Credits to: qinaaax3
Taken from: http://makikawaii.wordpress.com/tag/dbsk/

After the after glow sets,
I’m going towards you,
Following the lights which turn on one by one

I’ll embrace you,
Before the cold wind makes your shoulders flinch

I love you,
The foolish you,
You’re so precious to me

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I’ve prayed for,
They’re going towards you with my sincere scent
More than the air I breathe

I hope that my wishes of smiling next to you every new morning,
Will be able to come true

I’ll wait for you,
I’ll never let go of your hands,
Even if it’s only tears,
I’ll wipe them away for you

Although we are not able to see the end,
No matter how bumpy our road is,
I’ll promise you, please be mine

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I’ve prayed for,
They’re going towards you with my sincere scent,
More than the air I breathe,

‘I love you’ ‘You’re the only one’,
I want to yell those words out into the sky
I love you, my heart which feels like bursting is calling out to you

No matter how many times they find us,
No matter if we can’t breathe,

Like those invisible flower-like smiles,
Which shine just like the stars,
I’ll keep you safe beautifully

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
I love you, I love you,
You’re the most beautiful in this world,
This dream-like heart,
More than the air I breathe


Romanization of lyrics

Noul..baraboda

jonyok nouri jigo hana dul kyojinun
bulbichul taraso noege gago iso
chagaun barame umchurin ne okaega
naeryo antgi jone naega gamsajulke

nal bwa love
you babogatun gudae
gu modun goshi naegen da sojunghangol

*gudae wiro toorun taeyangmankum
nuni bushin i gasumuro
gidaryojun shiganmankum nol naega jikyojulke

gidohan modun kumi ganjolhan
nae hyanggiro nama uril hyanghae iso
More than the air I breathe
More than the air I breathe

balgaol achime hamke usul su innun
naui baraemduri irwo
jil su itdorok
naega gidarilke ne son nochi anhulke
nunmul punira haedo naega dakajulke

kuchi boiji anhado
amuri homhan giriljirado yaksokhalke
my
my my my please be mine

*Repeat

saranghandago ijen gudae punirago
jo hanul kute sorichyo jonhago shipo
love you tojildutan gasumi gu
daerul burugo iso

apun shiryoni uril chajawado
gu apume mok meowado
da orumanjyo jul su innun naega do saranghalke
tumyonghan usumkochi banjjaginun jo byol
dulchorom
arumdapge nol nomanul bichwojulke
gudae wiro toorun taeyangmankum
nuni bushin i gasumuro
gidaryojun shiganmankum nol naega jikyojulke
saranghae nol saranghae
sesang
gajang nunbushin gudae kumgyolgatun i mam

More than the air I breathe

--------------

It's currently one of my favourite favourite favourite songs in the playlist on relentless repeat. :)

Update

Grandpa has been transferred out of the MICU! He's now in the general ward, although still in the High Dependency Unit. But it means he should have improved enough to get out of the ICU.

We went to see him last night and he seems better too. The oxygen mask routine has to continue, but it's been reduced to 2 hours of oxygen mask, then 2 hours of breathing on his own, down from the previous 3 hours of oxygen mask then 1 hour of breathing on his own. There are also at least 2 nurses always on standby in the High Dependency ward, but the surroundings are much better than in the ICU. Even visitors feel more comfortable in the general ward, knowing the patient is one step closer to recovery. The ICU is quite suffocating, psychologically. This current ward has television too, so at least grandpa can get distracted by the television when he has the oxygen mask on, cuz he really dislikes the discomfort caused by the mask. Last night while we were there, and it was time for the oxygen mask to be put on again, he told the nurse he wanted to watch the tv programme first, so the nurse delayed it a little until the show ended. But we all know Grandpa doesn't like watching chinese tv programmes, much less a chinese variety show that was being shown. Gee... The doctors are monitoring his conditon and slowly giving him less help in breathing with the oxygen mask according to his ability to breathe on his own.

Grandpa will get better soon... :)

It's a public holiday today (Oct 1) Hari Raya Puasa, as well as Children's Day. So everyone gets a rest at home, then we'll head to the hospital to visit Grandpa again.

JingYu's first big exam of his life, PSLE, is coming this Friday. Same for JinHao. JingYu's just a little distance away from being very well-prepared, though his science showed significant improvement after the months of tuition in science from me. What an irony cuz science has never been my forte. Haha.. I hope JinHao is prepared too, from the guidance of his Dad. JinCai's exams will finally be over next wednesday (Oct 8) after a battle of the exams for an entire month. Hopefully by then Grandpa would have been discharged and we'll bring the boys to visit grandpa, and have a cousins' gathering.

:)

Love,
Ching

-------------------------------------------------
The above is what I just sent to my Uncle Boon, one of the many I've been writing in the past weeks.

Writing emails to my Uncle in Canada everyday has been like writing a diary. Everyday I update him about Grandpa's condition, as well as our daily lives, and my two little cousins' life. Hope to meet JinCai and JinHao soon, after the little ones' first big examinations of their lives, the PSLE. It's been quite some time since we met up, and I miss you guys.

-------------------------------------------------

Graduation's this Saturday (Oct 4) at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in the afternoon. We have to be there by 10:30am for briefing and whatever else. Guests will arrive later at 12:30pm. We've had our first graduation ceremony in OCU during our stay there, of which it felt more like a fun thing than an acutal graduation cuz we hadn't really graduated, with a few subjects still uncompleted. Now that we're done with everything, and going for a real graduation, it evokes another feeling. Mixed feelings, they say. "Rojak" feelings.

Then the next day, Oct 5, I'll be flying to Hong Kong for a short trip with my lovelies. We've came out with a very detailed itinerary and I hope nothing comes in our way to disrupt it. I'm looking forward to the Giant Buddha visit, where I can pray for Grandpa's recovery. I really hope he can recover soon... or it'll be hard for me to really enjoy, worrying about him constantly. Now that his condition has improved, my hopes are climbing a little in altitude.

For now, I need to start packing...

:)

I'm fine...

I'm okay...

Thank you, my dears, for giving me strength. Your little messages of concern definitely lifted me up. I love you all so much. I know I'm not alone and have support from you lovelies. Thanks... :)

I'm just a little physically tired from all the journey to the hospital on top of an entire day's work. (Not that I need to run about for my job, but, you know, work just tires you out, even on days when you weren't even productive at work.)

On days that I have to make my way to the hospital from work alone, I either fall asleep in the bus, zone out, or am trying hard to fight back the tears from the heartache developing from the sight of Grandpa suffering. The music blasting in my ears help sometimes, and some other times I'm pushing away negative thoughts, praying hard, talking to Guan Yin Niang Niang, praying for her to hear my pleas and grant my wish again. It has always worked, from minor hopes to major wishes. And I'm hopeful that it'll work again.

Grandpa has to go through an operation to insert a tube/pipe to enable him to breathe properly on his own without the help of the oxygen mask. The oxygen mask had been making him rather uncomfortable, but that was already a step better than having two thick breathing tubes stuck down his throat on the first two days. Upon consent from family members, the operation would take place next Monday (Sept 29). I don't know much about the operation and how it would help, or the risks involved cuz the parents haven't got a chance to speak to the doctors about the operation yet to sign the papers.

I'm holding positive thoughts, and praying hard for the best outcome.

:)

好累。。。

Tired,
Sleepy,
Hungry,
Pain.
Just wanna rest... and be relieved that Grandpa's on the way to recovery.

休息，是为了走更远的路。
可是我没有时间。
而且，前方的路，该怎么走？
好累。。。

Keep out, trouble.

My grandfather's hospitalised in the MICU ward.
I'm terribly worried about his condition.
I had insufficient sleep last night.
My wisdom tooth had been hurting, and especially painful today.
It's Monday and I have to climb out of bed early to go to work.
I paid double for my cab fare because of a freaking jam.
I have car sick from the jerky taxi ride stuck in the jam.

These reasons are enough to keep me in a horrible mood for the entire day. I don't need more.

外面的天气阴晴不定,
我的内心也像开了的汽水一样,
飘浮不定.

泡泡一点一点的灭,
热情也离我越来越远.

明媚的天色,
让我看到出口.

雷雨交加,
却使我连呼吸都觉得困难.

海阔天空的前方, 到底哪里才容得下我?

眼泪不经落下...

家家有本难念的经

家家有本难念的经 (Every household has their own problems outsiders won't understand)

It's not an easy "scripture"(经) to read. Even if you're very close to your family members, there are bound to be frictions, conflicts, and difference in opinions, taking into account the generation gap as well. Point of views differ, but it takes an open heart and open mind to accommodate another opinion. True, you can try to convince me on your point of view, I can understand where you're coming from, but please, why not try to think from my point of view and try to understand me a little more?

Trained to look at an issue from many points of view from my education in the polytechnic to be a media person, I look at various things from a lot of different aspects, and I found the beauty of it. I could explore and find many different points of views, I could understand some, or find some disgusting, but it doesn't matter if I accept the other opinions cuz at least I'd tried to see it from a different angle. There's no need to put down my opinion or question like that. No one's entirely right, I'm just trying something different. You get agitated easily, even when I'm not even trying to agitate you at all. And when your fire's burning, you bring in many other non-related matters. I thought I learnt to shut up when I sense the slightest heat of your fire. But sometimes, the patience just run out. I know, everything you say or do, it's for my good. I know you love us, and want the best for us. I know you've given me a lot of freedom in many areas since young. I know you let me make many decisions on my own, even though there were some you didn't like. I know. But I just need you to give me more space for my opinions.

I'm not trying to impose my so called "modern day thinking" kind of opinions on you, I just tried to present to you different viewpoints that would make yourself less angry at other things or people, but you couldn't understand where I'm coming from, and splashed cold water at those thoughts. It doesn't help that she likes adding fuel to the fire in the battlefield. I know she's not as smart, and grew up overprotected by outstanding and overspoken siblings. I should have gotten used to it. Oh well.

I treasure our blood-related ties more than I seem to be on the exterior. Or rather, more than what you think. I just can't seem to be able to show it that much. You break my heart when you say you don't expect me to support you in your old age. I want to. Do I seem that unfilial? Stop saying that. I'm not heartless.

Don't say things that pollute our ties when you feel the anger rising. It's not worth it over little matters like that. Breathe.

Lastly, I still love you no matter what happens. The love for you all will never die, even if the physical body dies.

And I will make myself master the skill of shutting up my mouth and learn the art of it. It's not easy, cuz I wanted you to understand, but it seems to be better if I just listen, or pretend to understand even if I didn't.


The clock's ticking,
I'm always learning...

The Balance

In this world, if you refuse to compromise and then think lightly of it, it'll be a torture. By saying "thinking lightly of it," I mean that one doesn't think of it as a sacrifice, but giving way to someone more important, something that might be better, something that makes everyone happy. If you think of it that way, you feel better, and everything becomes better.

For example, when you go on a trip overseas together, everyone compromises to find a date to set off, compromise on the places each person wants to go, and compromise on every other thing. But if the company is worth it, and everyone gives in some way or another, things will turn out fine.

Even simple things like deciding on a place to eat, sometimes this person gives in, another time another person gives in. It doesn't really have to be fair all the time, as long as things don't result in something bad. It's not business deals, so it doesn't have to be a fair trade all the time.

Selfishness and kindness are both in born. However, some events occur throughout one's life and change these beliefs, which then causes a change in attitude and behavior.

It's difficult to strike a balance between these two. Too much of either makes one's own life more difficult. So it's hard to blame if people can't find this center of gravity. It's just how they handle their lives. Change for the good or the worse, it's up to people to decide.

P.S: It's just some random thoughts.
Disclaimer: I don't point to specific events, just some general thoughts that can come from daily life, television shows I saw, books I've read, or websites I've seen. Random, that is. ;P

I like to people watch, and analyse people. I like studying psychology, cuz it's simply interesting. Then again, sometimes I think analyzing so many things in life is pretty tiring, why not just let things take its course in nature? Why must there be a solid plan for everything? Does a plan mean things will go the way you want them to? Of course, I'm not saying plans are useless, they are indeed very useful and of utmost importance in many areas. There, again, one just has to find the balance.

Steph said I should blog more often, to let others know what's going on in my mind cuz I don't often speak of them in person. I find typing or writing out my thoughts easier. My tongue is a little tied pretty often cuz my brains work faster than the tongue, and when I wanna say subject A, my brains are already processing the thoughts for subject B.
Okay, I will, Steph!

I was walking to Somerset towards my bus stop after I parted with Stephy at Ngee Ann City, and I saw this old man playing an instrument in the middle of the walkway as a busker. When I dropped that one dollar coin in, he paused his melody and said "Xie xie" (Thank You) to me with a bright smile, lacking some teeth. It immediately stirred a little something in me. I felt like I did something good for the day, and my mood immediately rose up the ranks, not that I was in a bad mood in the first place. But being able to help another gives a simple yet great feeling. I only wished I could do more. I love my grandparents dearly, having grown up with them, so old people on the streets having to make a living on their own makes me feel really bad. Of course, not all are out on the streets because their children are not supporting them well, I'm referring to those who do this because their children aren't doing what they can to support their parents who have painstakingly raised them up with all their might. Shame on them!

Every year, I go to Lim Chu Kang to pray to my grandfather (Dad's father) whom I've never met cuz he went to heaven even before my parents got married. I go not because I'm forced to, my parents never forced me, and they even gave me the option to stay home if I had tests or exams the next day, but I want to go. All because I felt that it's the least I could do. All grandparents like to see their grandchildren, all parents like to see their children too. Doesn't matter if they're alive or not, it's the livings' thoughts that count. Having read this, when was the last time you visited your grandparents, gave them a hug, and listened to them? Go ahead..
I gave my grandparents and parents a hug when I headed to the states, and another when I came back. Hugs are gifts of warmth, a gift that doesn't require any money nor too much effort, and are precious little gifts. Friends and family alike, a hug is more powerful than a thousand words. I visit my grandparents almost every week, cuz like I mentioned earlier, all old people like to have their grandchildren and children by their side, even if it's for a short while. Moreover, time doesn't wait for anyone, don't wait till the moment when regret kicks in. When regret starts kicking in, it's probably too late. So, don't wait if you can.


Wow... unknowingly, I've written so much again... I could go on and on... but I'm tired so I shall continue some other time cuz my random thoughts never end, they simply spiral off into something new. Co-relation? Uh-huh!

;P

"Uh-huh"

The Nine took a total of 17,526 photos on our trip in the states, which takes up a whooping 29.5GB in my computer's memory space. Impressive huh... All thanks to our narcissism and love and passion for photo-taking. Never mind the photo-taking skills, we just love to point and shoot, throwing in some technical details like differing the focus or changing it to B&W or sepia at times. What to do? Everywhere where you point your camera at is a worthy shot, recording a moment of your life in somewhere different. And you tend to do silly poses or do things you don't do back at home when you're overseas. So there goes, the rationale for the folder of more than ten thousand photos titled "United States of America 2008," accumulated over a period of one month.

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."
I just wanna add, "and the gleeful cold.."

I can't possibly load all the photos here, and I can't decide which to upload and which not cuz they're all precious moments. Therefore, I'm gonna upload the jumping photos by Gjump, in Oklahoma and Los Angeles, in this post.

Enjoy!

A photo fit to be an advertisement for Oklahoma City University! We were all wearing our school t-shirts too!


Outside The Oklahoman, a daily newspaper in Oklahoma, after a tour of their operations.


In the TV production studio


Outside the Mass Communications Building


Not to mention Gjump's manager, who takes care of all our bags when we do our photoshoot, Daryl, and our photographer, James, who's always behind the camera. Our manager takes the role of the photographer when our official photographer goes missing too.. Hahaha..


At the National Weather Station in Oklahoma


Outside Wal-mart, where a number of us spent a considerable sum at. ;)


On Mount Scott, Wichita Mountains. Beautiful scenery, refreshing air, uplifted moods...


The vast grassland in Wichita Mountains...breathe-taking


Steph kept hurting herself, this time she missed a step and hurt her ankle right right when we were preparing to jump. So our love for this girl made us pretend to jump together. *hugs*


At Indian City, a heritage place. It's a pity lots of cultural stuff are dissappearing cuz not all people preserve them like treasures and tend to forget their roots...


Outside our Petree College of Arts and Sciences


The Cheesecake Factory from L.A., in Oklahoma. One good meal with The Nine(minus one) before we head out for our final shopping spree in OKC.


We stayed here for three weeks, spent a big fee for this hotel, but it's really worth the price. The service, the breakfast (although almost the same every single day in the three weeks, I kind of got used to it and miss it badly now), the area, the company I had...
I miss it...


With Donnie, our favorite bus captain for the three weeks in Oklahoma, who always praises us and say we'll make Singapore proud (aww...), outside Marriot Residence Inn, before leaving for L.A.



Then we went on to L.A. after the three joyful and fruitful weeks in Oklahoma...


At Disneyland, the happiest place on earth!


Outside Pacific Park at Santa Monica beach


At Universal Studios!


At Universal Studios!



Note: I edited out the extra people in some of the photos cuz I don't like extra people in our supposedly perfect photos.. Hahaha...

Love y'all, my dears!

Suffocated

Please stop asking me what I plan to do after I graduate. Thanks.

I don't have much of an idea as of now.

I just feel suffocated, and I don't really know why. I get frustrated or irritated easily these days. The previous week it could have been pre-menstrual syndrome kicking in, then after that, post-menstrual syndrome continues the low spirits. But after that, I still feel the low spirits, I have no idea why.

But don't worry, I'm not suffering from depression, I still enjoy myself at times, smile like a fool when I watch TVXQ's videos, enjoy myself when I'm with people I love and like, trying hard to focus in class, have fun from playing SIMS, singing almost everyday at home, irritating my brother, playing with BearBear, and getting comfort from my smelly.

It's just that I cry at things that I usually don't get too emotional about previously. Like when I watched the movie "10 Promises to My Dog," tears poured uncontrollably when the doggie died. I tried really hard to not to sniff the mucus that follows the tears, and let the tears evaporate on its own until the movie ended. I knew a movie with a dog as the main lead of the movie will definitely get me crying when it dies, but I couldn't help it, the main lead was a golden retriever! My favourite speciies of dog - a very gorgeous and smart dog. Someone wanna buy me one? My two tortoises at home wouldn't mind some company. Gee...

I was looking out the window on the bus, like I always do. It suddenly dawned on me that besides falling asleep in the bus journeys, my eyes are usually glued to the cars passing by. And the thought of "if I had my own car..." never subsides through the years. Especially after I got my liscence, the desire only gets greater, much greater. Then it dawned on me that this habit of looking at the cars on the road must haven been cultivated since young cuz Daddy always ask me to count a certain color of the cars passing by when I complain of being bored on the journey to places.

Haven't drove Dad's car for 3 weeks already... Firstly, fuel prices are insane, so I can't ask Dad to let me drive around aimlessly. Then I usually can't wake up early enough to drive my brother and dad to the hawker centre at 10am. Secondly, driving with Dad beside me, supervising and eyeing my every move, is extremely stressful. And it doesn't help that my Dad is pretty impatient - all afraid that I might crash his car and hurt his insurance rebates, more importantly, endanger lives. Thirdly, if I managed to wake up early enough, I'm already hooked onto videos or games before they set off for brunch. Frankly, it's the second reason that's real, the rest, I figured, are simply excuses. I often escape from real problems. Really hate myself for that. Escaping from a problem only makes it snowball and escalate, waiting to explode. I know, but.. sigh.. I don't know. I seem to pick the wrong times to talk to my Dad. We either end up in an interesting and funny debate, or intense arguement. It's that extreme, we rarely make a conclusion of a topic without getting agitated about presenting our point of views first. These days, I learnt to just shut up when he starts rambling. It works very well if you just hold the anger in. When one doesn't continue the topic, the other will stop somehow. Only sometimes, agitation rushes up so fast that the brains haven't had time to send signals to stop the mouth from rambling some nonsense to spark more displeasure in the other. Oh well... shut up, just shut up, and he'll stop it. Say one less hurtful word, and save the day. It's okay.

"Confused" is no longer a suitable word to use.
"Emotional?" Yea, I guess so. Suddenly I figured my frustration is caused by my numerous wants which cannot be fulfilled. I hope they're not not ready to be fulfilled, and be realized one day which isn't too far. But I'm not doing anything to make that happen cuz of various reasons.

Class for Research Methodology is finally over. It's fortunate that we don't have to carry out the actual research, but just prepare a research proposal to hand in for grades as our post assignment. I guess it's the module itself, cuz the professor's good, that makes us restless in class and zone out every now and then during lectures. Sometimes when I zone out and the professor walks over and seemingly wana ask a question, I would nod slightly and look away, pretending to think, cuz I just zoned out and didn't hear what the professor asked. Sorry! It wasn't intentional, Prof!

Last module's almost over, except for three more tutorials. Then its exam on August 23, 2008 will mark our last hurdle towards our degree. And then, the question will start flooding in again. Like I said from the start, stop asking me already. I will naturally tell if I have an answer...

"Lonely.. I am so lonely, I've got nobody, I'm on my own~~ Woo~"
That's not entirely true for me, but it fits my mood pretty well.

My paragraphs don't really flow, cuz the fingers simply type what comes on my mind almost simultaneously. But who cares.

I think I should write on my blog more often and stop censoring so much information. It's making the pouring of my woes a little less easy. Writing my random thoughts is quite a good idea. Whether in my notebook, a word document, or on the blog. Anywhere's fine and sort of a relief. You write your thoughts down, and see them in a clearer view. Yup.

Just remember, when you feel the air around you thinning, walk away, and remember to breathe! Just breathe...

I'm Back!

Steph sweetly made this 30 minutes video for The Nine's US trip, particularly in Oklahoma where The Nine was together everyday. (In the hotel, at least). A number of unglam photos, but these are the kind of photos you get when you travel with a bunch of friends, so just bear with it. But that's also the fun part! Hahahaha...




I miss the life there. Like Sam said in her blog, every single day we woke up in bed with a goal, an exciting plan running in our heads including where to go and what to do. Back in Singapore now, everyday I wake up and turn on my laptop, unsure of what I should or need to do. My luggages are half unpacked. I unpacked my "shopping and gifts" luggage I bought in Oklahoma, while my original luggage still sits there, waiting to be deported after getting striped of one of its wheels from violence in the process of struggling back to Singapore. After unpacking, I realized I really didn't buy that much for myself, I spent hundreds on gifts for people, as usual. Somehow, the thousands still dissappear mysteriously, even though I faithfully took down how I spent my every single cent until the last week, I gave up and focused on how much I have left to spend.

When I called Uncle Boon in Vancouver at LAX and told him about how much I'd enjoyed myself and not want to go back to Singapore, he says it's very different in a working environment in North America. But I still feel like trying, even though I'm not sure if I would at the end of the day. But I really hope to try working abroad, other parts of Asia would be fine too, cuz experiences make up what they call "life." ;P

Been fighting jet lag the past week, and finally managed to overcome it this week. Last week, I fell asleep at 6pm everyday and woke up naturally at 3:40am. It's neither my sleeping time in LA nor Oklahoma (according to their timezones.)

The photos are all being uploaded to facebook's photo albums. Just me alone took about 3000 pictures, plus the other 6 cameras from The Nine, we took about 15,000 photos for the entire month.

I actually missed the rest of The Nine when Jolene, Anais, and I arrived at Los Angeles and went separate ways from the rest. Even though Celest, Steph, Sam, and Daryl were in LA too, I still missed them, and James and Muneerah came back to the sunny island first. I love my Nine!!!

And I'll definitely miss jumping around. Absolutely love our awesome jumping shots!
Malaysia + United States of America = World Tour (wahahaha..That's what every celebrity do when they have many concerts in Asia, and just one or two concerts in US, they call it a world tour. So ours is a whole tour too!)
We shall go on a Singapore Tour soon! ;D

I learnt a lot and enjoyed this trip extremely. I just wished the trip could be even longer, like a year. It could be even better if I could go over to Canada to visit Uncle Boon and Carine. (I wished!)

Overseas trips with friends and families evoke different feelings, though they could be just as fun. With friends, you get more excitement going around feeling independent. On the other hand, with parents, you don't have to worry about finances at all, cuz Daddy takes care of everything. Wahahaha...

Hmm.. I think I've run out of things to say, for now. My random thoughts are never ending. Everyday I strain my brains thinking about things that would not realize. Of course I hope it would be realized, but looking at the way I'm not making any efforts to realise it, I guess I shall stop thinking about it for now. Bleargh... La la la la la~

Love,
Ching ;D

Goodbye, Yee...

Our aunt left us today...

My grandmother called and said, "Ah Ching, Yee's gone," in Hokkien. I handed the phone to my mum, who still had a smile on a few moments ago. She held back her tears while on the phone with my granny, but broke down once she called my dad to break the news to him. We were prepared for the news since last night, the doctor said her liver had failed, and she might not pull through the night, but she did, and held on till 3pm. The whole night I couldn't sleep with ease, worried that my phone will ring anytime, bringing bad news. I fell asleep at 2am, only to wake up at 5am. I fell asleep again at 6am, only to wake up at 8:30am or so. I guess my family members didn't had good sleeps too, who could? It took me some time to digest what I heard from my granny, "Yee's gone." Till now, that sentence lingers in my head.

It took me about 15 minutes before the reality hit me. Being prepared is one thing, when the moment actually arrives, it's another. I stood at the window in the yard, seeing the cars pass by, children returning home from school, buses bringing loads of people to their destinations, then it all became blurred; my face was wet with tears. Burying my face in my hands, I let it all out as the traffic drowned me out, and even louder when the air force planes fly pass. I have no idea how long it took for me to calm down, but the weird feeling stays, eyes still warm with tears. Even a shower didn't help much.

It was a pain watching her suffer in the hospital the whole day yesterday. It's a relief for her, end of all the physical pain she bore throughout the four years of fighting with cancer; Breast cancer, Bone cancer, Brain cancer, and back to the bones. Sigh... Cancer is a merciless killer, no doubts.

My grandparents must be devastated. It's already hard for family members to see loved ones pass away, even harder when the elderly have to send their children off earlier than themselves, as the chinese saying goes, "白发人送黑发人." The only time I saw my grandfather cry was during my great-grandmother's wake. The second time was in the hospital yesterday when he saw my aunt lying in bed, struggling with every breath, heart aching to see his once lively and energetic daughter reduced to bones and dependant on sedatives to lessen her pain.

My mum was closest to this aunt, having just an age gap of a year. She cried really hard, even harder when I went over to give her a hug. Mummy, I've never said this in your face since I'd grown up, but I love you. I know you'll read this after some time. I love you, Mummy. I love you, Daddy. I love you, JingYu. I'm thankful to have you with me. Thank you so much...

The most worrying are my two cousins. They seemed fine yesterday at the hospital when we left, giving us big cheery smiles and waves as we entered the lift. One's 16-year-old, taking his "N" levels this years, another's 12-year-old, the same age as my brother, and taking his PSLE this year as well. The younger one might still be unclear of what's really affecting him, the older one doesn't show his unhappiness on his face, but I'm sure they're one of the most affected. I believe they'll be strong. Their mother was a very strong woman, being totally independent after separation and supporting herself, the domestic helper, and her two sons. Caicai, be strong, k? Your little brother needs you. All of us will support you in whichever way we can. *hugs*

It might be too late to say this now, but if my aunt had gone for the operation last december to get rid of the cancer cells that reappeared, she might have won the battle against the illness again, like she had the previous times. We never knew of her condition then. Just one thought of hers that we cannot comprehend, no malicious intend, though. She said she believed God will pull her through this, and did not want to go for the operation. The maid told us yesterday that she had encouraged my aunt to go for the operation then, telling her that God had sent the doctor to cure her, she should go for it. But she didn't want to, she believe God would cure her. There's nothing we can say now, it's over. It was her decision. Thinking from her viewpoint, it must have been terribly tiring to fight against the illness, she must have been exhausted. Like she said, she's ready to go into the arms of God. But my mum told me that my aunt wrote on a slip of paper to the doctor, that said, "I want to live, I don't want to die," before the doctor gave her sedatives. Her will to live was very strong, it is what had pull her through all the while, but treatment was no longer of much help.

Tonight the wake will start. I don't know how well I can hold back my tears. I don't like crying in front of others, including my family. But I'm fine, really, I just need time. My brother hardly understands the situation, and is talking rubbish to make me laugh. Or maybe he knows, he's just trying to soften the tension. Sigh...

Life is unpredictable and fragile. Like the XBox advertisement suggests, "Life is short, play more," just go ahead and do things you think is right and will make your life more fulfilled.

Goodbye, Yee... We'll miss you a lot! Your boys will be strong. Life without you will never be the same, but we hope you've sought peace up there. Bye...

Love,
Ching & family