Misunderstood...

I fought with myself, if I should publish this article, afraid it might cause any unneccessary misunderstanding again when I really don't mean what was misinterpreted. Supressed, yes I am. How can I not be after such a scare? But I figured that's not the way to keep my thoughts to myself. If I don't explode from being wronged and not being able to explained myself, I'll just be crushed. Although I'm thankful there were still people who trusted that I didn't mean what was misintepreted.

I guess if there's someone who's most upset about the incident, it would be me. Being misunderstood that I'm a childish immature insensitive kid who points her fingers at others when I don't know a thing. Being misunderstood by people who I keep in my prayers when I pray for the health and safety of my entire family whenever I pray to Guan Yin NiangNiang; People who I cherish who have or don't have blood ties with me, but as important; my family, friends, and all relatives, distant or not.

I'm learning more and more how precious life is especially in these few weeks, having just lost our grandfather and Aunt AiAi several months ago, knowing Cai, who just lost his mother months ago and grandfather a week ago, has another grandfather on the losing end with his fight with the illness, and uncle's friend meeting with an accident and struck with a coma, his destiny ahead a mystery. I am thankful and grateful, I really am, of what I have right now. Simple, yet so important, and sometimes taken for granted. My family and friends all mean so much to me, words aren't enough to bring that out. And being misunderstood by these people who I cherish as well, is certainly an awful feeling.

Just wanted to say, blog-reading is something that has to be done with an open mind, bearing in mind that if the writer seems to be pointing fingers, the person is probably not you he/she is referring to. And if anything sounds offensive yet subtle, then it's probably not referring to what you're thinking. In any case, if it's not written out, then it doesn't mean what one has misintepreted. I guess I'm still worth being given that benefit of doubt? I'm not that unworthy of that little bit of trust, am I? If you know me enough, you would trust that I wouldn't do such a thing, knowing the writing has an audience, albeit not big, but people who are important enough in my life. If it was something that was meant to offend anyone in the first place, it wouldn't have been published. Although in the first place, there was really nothing for me to be pointing at.

If anything, please confront me, cause then I would know what went wrong, and be given a chance to explain myself. I want to clear any misunderstanding. Ask me, please. I really hate the feeling of being wronged. The simple words, the heartbroken thoughts that were put into words on the night after grandpa left us, misunderstood and twisted – never meant to hurt. They were written not to point fingers at anyone, cause I don't have the right to, and neither do I need to. I simply do what is clear with my conscience and don't do what is against it. Words that weren't meant to hurt, injured others eventually, but I didn't know why. Although I really didn't mean it that way. I didn't get a chance to explain myself, but I hope the adults' explaination on my behalf sufficed to clear the misunderstanding – that the words never meant to hurt, that sentence were just a simple wish on my part. As simple as a wish like for a job to land as soon as possible, or for the rain to stop. A girl, wishing for the best for her family. That's it. Nothing in between the lines at all. Not at all. Never meant to refer to anything else except those that were written. Sincerely. As for the stating of the hours, it was merely a log for myself to remember what I did, in case I lost my memory or can't recall any part of the incident one day. The stating of the time was never meant to mean something else, it was written just like i would have written in a paper diary with intentions along the line of - “Rainy day, 11:oopm. I spent the last four hours in the cafe, waiting for my friend to arrive with my book.” Different words, different situation, but written with the same intentions. A pure intention of just noting down what I did, in case one day I forgot, or lost my memory (touch wood!). As simple as that.

I hope the misunderstanding is further cleared from the roots now. It was bugging me, and I'm letting it go already. It won't bug me anymore, just like I hope the misintended hurt that the misintepretation caused would subside and fade away eventually, bringing back the gentle ripples in the sea, and maintaining the way it was. A new year ahead, a new chapter to write. As cliche as it may sound, let bygones be bygones.

End of 2008.
End of all misunderstandings.
End of it...