I love taking pictures. I dare not say I love photography, cuz I don't know much about it. But I dare say I love taking photos, of others, myself, and scenes of life. (Very much in the auto mode of my fabulous new love of a year - the Canon Powershot SX100IS - only occasionally in aperture or shutter speed mode.)
I have not much of an idea how to maneuver the manual function on my semi-pro camera, but I simply play around it randomly, discovering a new way to take an awesome photo every time - Capturing moments I would like to keep in still. And I'm glad I did.
These memories refresh my happiness, sadness, and all kinds of feelings in a bowl. Bitter and sweet, just like dark chocolate. To me at this point of my life, I think life is just like dark chocolate. It's bitter, and sweet. You can't have too much of it, nor too little. Sometimes your taste buds tell you it's too bitter, other times it screams with sweetness. Too much of either is never good.
I like tasting bitterness, because it makes me cherish sweetness even more. So do I love sweetness, because it proves to me all that bitterness beforehand were worth it. But I don't like any if just one is overwhelming. A balance is perfect for me. Just that sadly, standing on the fence doesn't ensure a balance all the time. You're bound to fall to one side with any stir of the wind or a tugging arm.
I'm drifting too far off from what I intended to write initially, at 4:37am right now, Singapore time. But I don't care. I like to do free-writing. I can write and write and not stop, talking about everything on earth. But I won't, for now.
I'm feeling so darn trapped, with so many balloons of dreams and wants full-blown, tied and waiting to fly. But they just can't because of stupid mandatory constraints - money.
I'm waiting to fly, fly to the stars, and come back bright, nice, and welcomed by all kind faces and true hearts. But I'm stuck in the mud, pulled back by gravity and tugging on to the feeble useless wobbly legs, blaming no one but myself. As for what I'm blaming myself for, I'm not even sure. The feeling of being useless is just damn strong. So damn strong. I'm sick and freaking tired of not having an income, yet I allow myself to choose. I just slapped myself in the face. People tell me to take my time, I reply "yea" all the time, but no, I don't want to waste any more precious time. I've procrastinated too much. There are so many things for me to accomplish in this short span of life every one is granted. Nobody knows when their time's gonna be up, neither do I. I haven't accomplished anything in my life, unless you count a Bachelors of Arts and a driving license some sort of a small achievement.
I'm not looking at being a noble person who receives praises from the world, I'm too selfish being a human to be doing that. I guess small efforts within my ability is fine, though I want to do more. I'm just frustrated, I guess. And the serenity in the night releases that smile in the day and conjure tears in the eyes. For what? Don't ask me, cuz I really don't know.
I get so emotional these days, I cry almost everyday. The tears don't flow for long, but they're on a loose now. I can't control them when I'm alone anymore, although they don't bother me when I'm occupied by something else. They disappear as fast as they descent. Two blinks of the eyes and they're gone again.
Confidence, give me some. You know what? I need a lot. Just give me all you can. I need a lot to patch up the broken route.
Oh well, back to where I started this post - Photos. I was compiling photos to print that people have been chasing me for. And doing that I came across so many photos of my loved ones now in heaven. They conjure so much sadness in me, I miss them terribly, still. I suppose I'll never stop missing them, and the missing just snowballs. The scar will still hurt, no matter how hard time tries to do its job. I know I still have many living for me to love and cherish. I am clearly aware of that, and I'm precisely doing that. I can do more. I will.
A bird is welcoming the morning with its chirps in a melody at 4:56am now. It sort of calmed me down, and reminded me of yet another interview in a few hours. I have learnt to not bring my hopes up high, and stay on a safe level. If you've read up to here, thank you, but I'm not suffering from depression. I don't have severe mood swings, nor thoughts of death. Not yet. I still have so much to do, I treasure my life. *gives you a smile*
The dreams still fly high, though with the strings still stubbornly attached tightly. I'll make sure the strings snap some day, so that my balloons of aspirations would fly high and make me proud of it all.
This day... please come quick, I can bear with it no longer...
