2008

[ALL RIGHTS RESERVED FOR THE PHOTO]

The year our family lost two of our loved ones – Aunt AiAi and Grandpa.
The year I finally graduated with a Bachelor's and wore the square hat.
The year I had an enjoyable and memorable trip to USA with my lovely nine.
The year I had our first trip out with my dear V3 to HongKong.
The year I really learnt so much about cherishing my loved ones more.
The year I needed to expose myself to the society.
The year that leaves me on the fence.
The year that taught me immeasurable amount of lessons.
The year that left me with many tasks unaccomplished.

It is a bittersweet year. And happiness and hurt are feelings so pure and distinctive.

The only way to appreciate bliss is to have a taste of bitterness.
The flavours of life.
Only the contrast would make happiness stand out. Things that were once taken for granted seem so much of an importance now. Things that 'you-never-knew' appears before me vividly now.

Good times and bad times. Every year is a mixture of that, just that this year I'm feeling the impact so much more. Good or bad, these are lessons I have to learn and will learn sooner or later. Things that are fated to happen, things that are entwined in your life, things that are bound to happen, or waiting to happen.

Life, it's all about a few decades on earth with a hopefully healthy body. It's for you to taste the flavours of life and take risks and accomplish tasks. Once you're done, time is up. Sometimes there isn't enough time for some to accomplish what they've set their mind to do, but time is up for them, period.

I know time will not stop for me, and the lessons I've learnt will threaten me to stop procrastinating and start filling my life with more colours.

If I could buy one thing, I would buy health and store it so that any loved ones or I could use it if needed.

If I could buy a second thing, I would buy safety to keep myself and all loved ones safe.

And if I could buy a third thing, I would buy confidence for myself. I really lack it and need encouragement from time to time to keep it at a minimum level.

My wishes are getting simpler by the year. Maybe I'm getting old too...

I hope, sincerely and with all my heart, that the new year, 2009, will be a smooth-sailing year. It need not be a splendid year, even though it would be fabulous if it will be, but I'll make do with a year without unhappy events.

Just want all my family and friends to stay safe, healthy, and happy.

Love you. *hugs*

Misunderstood...

I fought with myself, if I should publish this article, afraid it might cause any unneccessary misunderstanding again when I really don't mean what was misinterpreted. Supressed, yes I am. How can I not be after such a scare? But I figured that's not the way to keep my thoughts to myself. If I don't explode from being wronged and not being able to explained myself, I'll just be crushed. Although I'm thankful there were still people who trusted that I didn't mean what was misintepreted.

I guess if there's someone who's most upset about the incident, it would be me. Being misunderstood that I'm a childish immature insensitive kid who points her fingers at others when I don't know a thing. Being misunderstood by people who I keep in my prayers when I pray for the health and safety of my entire family whenever I pray to Guan Yin NiangNiang; People who I cherish who have or don't have blood ties with me, but as important; my family, friends, and all relatives, distant or not.

I'm learning more and more how precious life is especially in these few weeks, having just lost our grandfather and Aunt AiAi several months ago, knowing Cai, who just lost his mother months ago and grandfather a week ago, has another grandfather on the losing end with his fight with the illness, and uncle's friend meeting with an accident and struck with a coma, his destiny ahead a mystery. I am thankful and grateful, I really am, of what I have right now. Simple, yet so important, and sometimes taken for granted. My family and friends all mean so much to me, words aren't enough to bring that out. And being misunderstood by these people who I cherish as well, is certainly an awful feeling.

Just wanted to say, blog-reading is something that has to be done with an open mind, bearing in mind that if the writer seems to be pointing fingers, the person is probably not you he/she is referring to. And if anything sounds offensive yet subtle, then it's probably not referring to what you're thinking. In any case, if it's not written out, then it doesn't mean what one has misintepreted. I guess I'm still worth being given that benefit of doubt? I'm not that unworthy of that little bit of trust, am I? If you know me enough, you would trust that I wouldn't do such a thing, knowing the writing has an audience, albeit not big, but people who are important enough in my life. If it was something that was meant to offend anyone in the first place, it wouldn't have been published. Although in the first place, there was really nothing for me to be pointing at.

If anything, please confront me, cause then I would know what went wrong, and be given a chance to explain myself. I want to clear any misunderstanding. Ask me, please. I really hate the feeling of being wronged. The simple words, the heartbroken thoughts that were put into words on the night after grandpa left us, misunderstood and twisted – never meant to hurt. They were written not to point fingers at anyone, cause I don't have the right to, and neither do I need to. I simply do what is clear with my conscience and don't do what is against it. Words that weren't meant to hurt, injured others eventually, but I didn't know why. Although I really didn't mean it that way. I didn't get a chance to explain myself, but I hope the adults' explaination on my behalf sufficed to clear the misunderstanding – that the words never meant to hurt, that sentence were just a simple wish on my part. As simple as a wish like for a job to land as soon as possible, or for the rain to stop. A girl, wishing for the best for her family. That's it. Nothing in between the lines at all. Not at all. Never meant to refer to anything else except those that were written. Sincerely. As for the stating of the hours, it was merely a log for myself to remember what I did, in case I lost my memory or can't recall any part of the incident one day. The stating of the time was never meant to mean something else, it was written just like i would have written in a paper diary with intentions along the line of - “Rainy day, 11:oopm. I spent the last four hours in the cafe, waiting for my friend to arrive with my book.” Different words, different situation, but written with the same intentions. A pure intention of just noting down what I did, in case one day I forgot, or lost my memory (touch wood!). As simple as that.

I hope the misunderstanding is further cleared from the roots now. It was bugging me, and I'm letting it go already. It won't bug me anymore, just like I hope the misintended hurt that the misintepretation caused would subside and fade away eventually, bringing back the gentle ripples in the sea, and maintaining the way it was. A new year ahead, a new chapter to write. As cliche as it may sound, let bygones be bygones.

End of 2008.
End of all misunderstandings.
End of it...

Goodbye, KongKong...

It took me a long time before mentioning about Yee didn't hurt, and now, calling KongKong sting my eyes with tears and delivers a stab in my heart.

We received a call from Aunt Aileng around 5am, telling us that she got a call from the hospital, asking us to rush down as Grandpa is at his last. I don't know how I bruhed my teeth, and did away with washing my face, and threw on any plain looking clothes, and we rushed our way to the hospital, hoping to bid him farewell for the last time.

When we reached the hospital, I already had a bad feeling, and as we were about to enter the ward, the nurse's expression already told me something. Once we saw KongKong's face drained of blood and tucked in neatly, lying still, we knew the answer. But poor Grandma still wasn't aware that Grandpa had left cuz the non-chinese nurses couldn't communicate with her. She sat there crying alone as she reached the hospital first, asking us to call Grandpa to get him to wake up, thinking he was still alive. But Grandpa couldn't hold on any longer, he was too much in pain, and had to go before we and Uncle Boon arrived. He left quietly at 0458 hours, and I really really hope he wasn't in too much pain when he left. His body was still warm when we rushed down within the hour of the call. KongKong...

On one hand, I knew this was a relief for him, free of all pain and illnesses and meeting his mother-in-law and daughter in heaven, looking upon us. On the other hand, I'm missing him terribly already. I held in my tears all day, not wanting to affect Grandma with my grief. She's sad enough, having to cope another death of her loved one within the same year. She hasn't even gotten over Aunt AiAi yet, and KongKong can't accompany her anymore.

When we went home with Grandma while the body was being cleaned and embalmed at the casket, I almost thought I saw KongKong coming out from the shower. And then I knocked myself out of it, reminding myself that KongKong has left. I couldn't help but walked into KongKong's room, looking at the things he left behind. Every single thing in its own special place reminded me of him. And the tears came again. I miss him so much... so much... But the whole family was there, leaving for the casket, and I swallowed the tears again, wiping off the stains on my cheeks and avoided any eye contact. I just couldn't help it. Then the busy day extended from there. We were kept busy all the time that there was hardly time to quieten down and grieve silently on my own. My appetite was lost until my stomach grumbled to notify its emptiness with only gastric juices. But my brains weren't emitting signs to start an appetite, it was just lost with our lost.

KongKong is dressed smartly, neatly, and nicely in a gentlemanly suit, just as he would like it. He had always been especially particular about his cleanliness and neatness. And we took extra care that he was dressed in his best suit for his last. Mum, JingYu, Dad, and I rushed around to look for a presentable shirt to match his coat as the shirts he owned were quite old already. The shirt is Mum's final present to him.

December 13, both his birth date and death date. Being a traditional person, he disliked the number 13, and doesn't like celebrating his birthday on the 13th and instead celebrates according to his birthday on the lunar calendar. Borned in 1925 (according to the birth certificate) and passed away in 2008, having lived for 83 years, bringing us countless precious memories and love.

The wake will last for five days, so that Uncle Boon would have enough time to bid his father farewell and accompany him on the last journey. If there is anything I can do now for KongKong, it is to take extra care of Grandma. This, we've been doing, and will do so more often. I hope the other relatives would drop by to visit her more often too. Like I mentioned yesterday, you might not enjoy their accompany, but they would definitely appreciate yours. If the workers from the church can do so to show their concern, why can't we, as family members, make the extra effort to care more for our grandmother who loves us with all her heart and kindly given us so much unconditional love? After all, it is only right to do so. Because she deserves the care and concern, and should be showered with more to fill up KongKong's now empty space.

Sigh... well, at least my conscience is clear, as we accompanied KongKong the entire day and almost entire night yesterday, being with him since 2pm to 10:30pm. I had a weird feeling, and messaged many to ask if they were coming to visit, but most were busy with other things in their lifes. I guess it can't be helped. At least he wasn't alone the entire day, many concerned relatives made an effort to make a trip down, even if it was just for a while. I'm sure KongKong appreciated that although he couldn't show it.

And so, this is what they call, "they more you experience in life, the more you'll learn to let go of things you once held so tightly and thought so highly of." As time goes by, our journey of learning never stops, just like the journey of life.

I will always miss you so badly, KongKong. So badly. The way you call me "Ah Pui Jie" or "Zhu Zai Ching" even though I hated the nicknames cuz they were pointed at my size, it was an exception that I couldn't get angry about cuz I knew your teasing isn't meant as hurt but out of pure love. How you called JingYu "JinYu JinGai Curry Gai." And even how you like to beat JingYu's butt when we drop by for dinner every Saturday when we head home. There are so many things that will remind us of your presence in our lifes...

I'll let time heal the wound, but the vivid memories will never ever fade...

I love you forever, KongKong.

Goodbye...

Please hang on...

I sat there alone, in my grandfather's ward, watching him struggling with every breath. We keep telling him to wait for Uncle Boon to come back, and he seems to respond somehow, giving a slight nod or letting out a soft noise, to let us know that he's still fighting on with all his might to see his son. Being alone in the room with just him is utterly depressing, my heart aches with every sight of him trying his best to breathe with the oxygen provided through the oxygen mask. My cousin said the amount of oxygen they're providing through the mask is already at the maximum of 15. My heart skips a beat when I don't hear anything, then pounds quickly again once I hear him breathing again, as if trying to make up for the missed beat.

My tears threaten to burst out of its boundaries any moment.

We stayed in the hospital fromm 2pm to 10pm+ today, trying to keep Grandpa company. I don't want him to wake up from his drowsy state and find no one beside him. I guess it'll feel quite horrible. I want to be by his side whenever I can, cuz I don't want any regrets. I grew up at my grandparents' place, so they practically brought me up until Primary 5 when I shifted back to stay with my parents. They brought me to school, took care of me, and gave me unconditional love. Of all the cousins, I think I stayed the longest with my grandparents. I don't know if that equates to how close I am to them or the love I have for them, I just know I love and cherish them very much. Many grandchildren these days cannot even communicate with their grandparents, but I'm proud to say I don't have a problem speaking to them, having spoken their dialect and growing up with their care. I enjoy their company, and I know they enjoy mine too. When I'm free after school, I would sometimes pop by their house and start rambling about my day, my friends, or anything under the sky, simply because I know grandparents enjoy their grandchildren's company, even if they can't communicate. At least I wouldn't have regrets on this part, cuz I made extra efforts to spend time with them. And I will continue to make more efforts accompanying my two grandmothers. It's a pity that many don't get to communicate with their grandparents, sometimes even parents. Why not make an effort today? You might not enjoy their company, but they'll definitely enjoy yours. And that's enough.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and I guess it'll be the same tonight. Every time I close my eyes, the images comes to mind, playing at its own rate right in front of my closed eyelids. It's unbearable, the pain and worry. I kept praying, and crying, and praying, that I lost count. The only thing I hope for now is that Grandpa is not feeling too much pain holding on, and that Uncle Boon would make it home in time. He would be taking his flight some hours later, arriving only 19 hours later. 19 hours may seem like a short time if you're not in a hurry, but these 2 days are of utmost importance for us.

Our entire family is praying hard, and I believe regardless of religions, the kind gods above will try their best to work their magic. I can't bear to let Grandpa go, but his body has gone through the toil over the decades and did its best serving its master well. I understand everything comes to an end one day, machines wear out, so do humans. This, I know, I knew long ago, but I guess I'll never be ready for it. Not this kind.

The doctor came in today, to inform us of what they'd done to help him recover, but the ailing body is not responding to the strongest medicine, and nothing much can be done except to provide the oxygen and keep Grandpa as comfortable as possible so that he's not in pain.

Please, let Grandpa hang on until he sees his son. That's all I ask for. I love you, KongKong. Always will. Please hang on for just a little more. Please...