The Weird Down

The Weird Down

Coincidentally or not, I've been thinking of the quote "There won't be disappointment if there's no expectation" too.

HuiJuan said things are looking good for me now after what seemed like gloomy days.

The date to mark my descend on earth is nearing, I used to get all excited about it just years ago. Perhaps what the adults said is true, as you get older, birthdays don't mean the whole world to you anymore cuz it's just another day where thousand other babies are borned. Partial excitement still lingers, but i dare not hope for more cuz i don't wana be left hanging.

Some of my best friends are making plans for me, with Cher ensuring me that i would love my present to bits if they manage to find it. HJ is also making the extra effort to invite the girls to the celebration and doing all the planning and stuff just for me. Mum is pretty excited about where we would dine on the day, my dad just gotten me an MP4 that i had long wanted as the present. The publishing giant just accepted me as an intern with them for 12 weeks, realising this hope of mine, with 'thank you(s)' here and there. I appreciate everything right down in my heart even if i don't express my thanks verbally. I officially resigned from the part-time job at the pasta place 6 hours ago so that i could have more time, whether for schoolwork or leisure. In general, things aren't too bad for me recently. In fact, it seems better than a while ago.

I should be happy and jumping with joy and getting all excited. I'm thankful and grateful for the everything i have presently. I should be..

I should be expecting and hoping for this and that, but i've decided that i will not. The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Why is it proven right time and again?

I was chatting with one of the chefs at my work place 6 hours ago and from a simple topic, we went on to future expectations and endeavours. I told him about my wish to either go on further studies after graduating if circumstances permit, or get a job in the media where my interest lies. He said he aspired to be like an engineer or someone in that line like his cousin/friend who went to France for internship and is earning considerably well enough presently. But the aspiration was pulled back by various considerations and responsibilities, pursuing further studies doesn't seem very feasible right now where he's tied down. I then asked him if he would ever regret not pursuing his dreams when he sits in the rocking chair 40 years down the road if he gives up pursuing them, but i didn't get a definite answer. If i was posed with this question, i guess my answer would be "It depends. But as long as i've tried, i think i would be contended no matter how hard it is to let go. Since those were decisions made at that point of time due to circumstances and there's simply no way to turn the clock back, look ahead and smile. Relish in the bliss in your hands and be optimistic." Sure, talk is easy, but when it comes to action, it's a totally different matter.

Before I went out of the kitchen, this quote just slipped my mouth. "It's always good to have hopes and dreams." As i turned and walked out, i pondered over what i blabbered seconds ago. Yes, having hopes and dreams are no doubt good cuz it would propel you towards the goal. However, if halfway there you find yourself not advancing anywhere near your goal, is it time to give up, walk back to the starting line, chose a different route and push yourself forward all over again? Or should we simply persist bescause we don't wana let go after struggling to hold on that long? In the first place, are we even able to walk back and start all over again when time waits for no one?

Hopes, dreams, expectations, anticipations. Can we fixed them back if they're smashed like how the king's horses and men tried to fix Humpty Dumpty back?

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. It's mixed and you'll try to match no matter what, piecing it together the seemingly right way, ocassionally tripping over stones and bumping into rocks. At the end of the day, you'll get the picture.

Down, down, and under. My mood's rather down, but it swings like nobody's business whenever it likes. I can be fooling around talking rubbish and getting 'high' for no concrete reason one moment, or start shedding tears over the simpliest things the next. Hopefully it's just pms causing the queer mood swings and not depression taking place.

Very often, i wish time could slow down for me to catch up before speeding off again. Like rine, I feel odd too that i have to spend my supposedly-special day in school. Other than clashing with the GCE "O" levels E.Mathematics Paper 1 three years ago, it had always fallen on the holidays without fail. Maybe that's the main reason why the mood to celebrte isn't there for me.

Weird feeling, just weird, it's an indescribable feeling...

I've learnt to let go of expectations recently, cuz i know without high expectations, or no expectations as a whole, life would be filled with more pleasant surprises.

Til then folks.. I'll liven up when it's appropriate and when it really comes from within. Who knows? I might be laughing away the next second before this piece is published. Cheers to future whole-hearted smiles on faces of everyone around me. They always say "Tomorrow will be a better day," isn't it? We'll see.. ;T