Goodbye, Yee...
Our aunt left us today...
My grandmother called and said, "Ah Ching, Yee's gone," in Hokkien. I handed the phone to my mum, who still had a smile on a few moments ago. She held back her tears while on the phone with my granny, but broke down once she called my dad to break the news to him. We were prepared for the news since last night, the doctor said her liver had failed, and she might not pull through the night, but she did, and held on till 3pm. The whole night I couldn't sleep with ease, worried that my phone will ring anytime, bringing bad news. I fell asleep at 2am, only to wake up at 5am. I fell asleep again at 6am, only to wake up at 8:30am or so. I guess my family members didn't had good sleeps too, who could? It took me some time to digest what I heard from my granny, "Yee's gone." Till now, that sentence lingers in my head.
It took me about 15 minutes before the reality hit me. Being prepared is one thing, when the moment actually arrives, it's another. I stood at the window in the yard, seeing the cars pass by, children returning home from school, buses bringing loads of people to their destinations, then it all became blurred; my face was wet with tears. Burying my face in my hands, I let it all out as the traffic drowned me out, and even louder when the air force planes fly pass. I have no idea how long it took for me to calm down, but the weird feeling stays, eyes still warm with tears. Even a shower didn't help much.
It was a pain watching her suffer in the hospital the whole day yesterday. It's a relief for her, end of all the physical pain she bore throughout the four years of fighting with cancer; Breast cancer, Bone cancer, Brain cancer, and back to the bones. Sigh... Cancer is a merciless killer, no doubts.
My grandparents must be devastated. It's already hard for family members to see loved ones pass away, even harder when the elderly have to send their children off earlier than themselves, as the chinese saying goes, "白发人送黑发人." The only time I saw my grandfather cry was during my great-grandmother's wake. The second time was in the hospital yesterday when he saw my aunt lying in bed, struggling with every breath, heart aching to see his once lively and energetic daughter reduced to bones and dependant on sedatives to lessen her pain.
My mum was closest to this aunt, having just an age gap of a year. She cried really hard, even harder when I went over to give her a hug. Mummy, I've never said this in your face since I'd grown up, but I love you. I know you'll read this after some time. I love you, Mummy. I love you, Daddy. I love you, JingYu. I'm thankful to have you with me. Thank you so much...
The most worrying are my two cousins. They seemed fine yesterday at the hospital when we left, giving us big cheery smiles and waves as we entered the lift. One's 16-year-old, taking his "N" levels this years, another's 12-year-old, the same age as my brother, and taking his PSLE this year as well. The younger one might still be unclear of what's really affecting him, the older one doesn't show his unhappiness on his face, but I'm sure they're one of the most affected. I believe they'll be strong. Their mother was a very strong woman, being totally independent after separation and supporting herself, the domestic helper, and her two sons. Caicai, be strong, k? Your little brother needs you. All of us will support you in whichever way we can. *hugs*
It might be too late to say this now, but if my aunt had gone for the operation last december to get rid of the cancer cells that reappeared, she might have won the battle against the illness again, like she had the previous times. We never knew of her condition then. Just one thought of hers that we cannot comprehend, no malicious intend, though. She said she believed God will pull her through this, and did not want to go for the operation. The maid told us yesterday that she had encouraged my aunt to go for the operation then, telling her that God had sent the doctor to cure her, she should go for it. But she didn't want to, she believe God would cure her. There's nothing we can say now, it's over. It was her decision. Thinking from her viewpoint, it must have been terribly tiring to fight against the illness, she must have been exhausted. Like she said, she's ready to go into the arms of God. But my mum told me that my aunt wrote on a slip of paper to the doctor, that said, "I want to live, I don't want to die," before the doctor gave her sedatives. Her will to live was very strong, it is what had pull her through all the while, but treatment was no longer of much help.
Tonight the wake will start. I don't know how well I can hold back my tears. I don't like crying in front of others, including my family. But I'm fine, really, I just need time. My brother hardly understands the situation, and is talking rubbish to make me laugh. Or maybe he knows, he's just trying to soften the tension. Sigh...
Life is unpredictable and fragile. Like the XBox advertisement suggests, "Life is short, play more," just go ahead and do things you think is right and will make your life more fulfilled.
Goodbye, Yee... We'll miss you a lot! Your boys will be strong. Life without you will never be the same, but we hope you've sought peace up there. Bye...
Love,
Ching & family
