The "Downs"

I know it's silly, but the "pre-birthday depression" has hit my shores again. Every year, without fail, I get these weird "down" days, and the rainy season doesn't help, it just leaves me feeling even more depressed. PMS probably chipped in too, whatever.

I hope to spend my 22nd birthday at a peaceful and quiet place this year. Probably to smooth out what 2008 had done to me. Joy? Yup, certainly. Pain and loss, definitely. Achievement, if graduating with a Bachelors of Arts count.

I just feel like having a relaxing birthday this year. Not really having a party in mind, probably just simple joy at a peaceful and beautiful place with fresh air with some of my favourite people, even one will do. Just need someone to go with me, cuz of various concerns.

Simple one.

Anyone wants to join me? My birthday falls on a Saturday (November 15, 2008) and I plan for it to be a weekend escapade.

Check out http://www.zuji.com.sg . The cheapest package is at $78. I dont have much excess money to spend too, but my "down-ness" calls for it... Gee..

My Dad says I'm full of weird ideas, and he doesn't understand why I have to spend my birthday overseas when I don't even hold a full-time job yet. Even if it sounds illogical and immature, topped with irresponsibility and childishness, so be it. "Living for the moment" sounds irresponsible, but... oh well...

I'm enjoying rotting at home when I don't have to work currently, but not with the delay of my pay for the previous month.

Just wanna look at.. the sunset...

---------------------------------

노을..바라보다 [Look at... the sunset]
Officially known as Picture of You in English



[ All rights reserved for this photo of the sunset.]



TRANSLATION
Credits to: qinaaax3
Taken from: http://makikawaii.wordpress.com/tag/dbsk/

After the after glow sets,
I’m going towards you,
Following the lights which turn on one by one

I’ll embrace you,
Before the cold wind makes your shoulders flinch

I love you,
The foolish you,
You’re so precious to me

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I’ve prayed for,
They’re going towards you with my sincere scent
More than the air I breathe

I hope that my wishes of smiling next to you every new morning,
Will be able to come true

I’ll wait for you,
I’ll never let go of your hands,
Even if it’s only tears,
I’ll wipe them away for you

Although we are not able to see the end,
No matter how bumpy our road is,
I’ll promise you, please be mine

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I’ve prayed for,
They’re going towards you with my sincere scent,
More than the air I breathe,

‘I love you’ ‘You’re the only one’,
I want to yell those words out into the sky
I love you, my heart which feels like bursting is calling out to you

No matter how many times they find us,
No matter if we can’t breathe,

Like those invisible flower-like smiles,
Which shine just like the stars,
I’ll keep you safe beautifully

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
I love you, I love you,
You’re the most beautiful in this world,
This dream-like heart,
More than the air I breathe


Romanization of lyrics

Noul..baraboda

jonyok nouri jigo hana dul kyojinun
bulbichul taraso noege gago iso
chagaun barame umchurin ne okaega
naeryo antgi jone naega gamsajulke

nal bwa love
you babogatun gudae
gu modun goshi naegen da sojunghangol

*gudae wiro toorun taeyangmankum
nuni bushin i gasumuro
gidaryojun shiganmankum nol naega jikyojulke

gidohan modun kumi ganjolhan
nae hyanggiro nama uril hyanghae iso
More than the air I breathe
More than the air I breathe

balgaol achime hamke usul su innun
naui baraemduri irwo
jil su itdorok
naega gidarilke ne son nochi anhulke
nunmul punira haedo naega dakajulke

kuchi boiji anhado
amuri homhan giriljirado yaksokhalke
my
my my my please be mine

*Repeat

saranghandago ijen gudae punirago
jo hanul kute sorichyo jonhago shipo
love you tojildutan gasumi gu
daerul burugo iso

apun shiryoni uril chajawado
gu apume mok meowado
da orumanjyo jul su innun naega do saranghalke
tumyonghan usumkochi banjjaginun jo byol
dulchorom
arumdapge nol nomanul bichwojulke
gudae wiro toorun taeyangmankum
nuni bushin i gasumuro
gidaryojun shiganmankum nol naega jikyojulke
saranghae nol saranghae
sesang
gajang nunbushin gudae kumgyolgatun i mam

More than the air I breathe

--------------

It's currently one of my favourite favourite favourite songs in the playlist on relentless repeat. :)

Update

Grandpa has been transferred out of the MICU! He's now in the general ward, although still in the High Dependency Unit. But it means he should have improved enough to get out of the ICU.

We went to see him last night and he seems better too. The oxygen mask routine has to continue, but it's been reduced to 2 hours of oxygen mask, then 2 hours of breathing on his own, down from the previous 3 hours of oxygen mask then 1 hour of breathing on his own. There are also at least 2 nurses always on standby in the High Dependency ward, but the surroundings are much better than in the ICU. Even visitors feel more comfortable in the general ward, knowing the patient is one step closer to recovery. The ICU is quite suffocating, psychologically. This current ward has television too, so at least grandpa can get distracted by the television when he has the oxygen mask on, cuz he really dislikes the discomfort caused by the mask. Last night while we were there, and it was time for the oxygen mask to be put on again, he told the nurse he wanted to watch the tv programme first, so the nurse delayed it a little until the show ended. But we all know Grandpa doesn't like watching chinese tv programmes, much less a chinese variety show that was being shown. Gee... The doctors are monitoring his conditon and slowly giving him less help in breathing with the oxygen mask according to his ability to breathe on his own.

Grandpa will get better soon... :)

It's a public holiday today (Oct 1) Hari Raya Puasa, as well as Children's Day. So everyone gets a rest at home, then we'll head to the hospital to visit Grandpa again.

JingYu's first big exam of his life, PSLE, is coming this Friday. Same for JinHao. JingYu's just a little distance away from being very well-prepared, though his science showed significant improvement after the months of tuition in science from me. What an irony cuz science has never been my forte. Haha.. I hope JinHao is prepared too, from the guidance of his Dad. JinCai's exams will finally be over next wednesday (Oct 8) after a battle of the exams for an entire month. Hopefully by then Grandpa would have been discharged and we'll bring the boys to visit grandpa, and have a cousins' gathering.

:)

Love,
Ching

-------------------------------------------------
The above is what I just sent to my Uncle Boon, one of the many I've been writing in the past weeks.

Writing emails to my Uncle in Canada everyday has been like writing a diary. Everyday I update him about Grandpa's condition, as well as our daily lives, and my two little cousins' life. Hope to meet JinCai and JinHao soon, after the little ones' first big examinations of their lives, the PSLE. It's been quite some time since we met up, and I miss you guys.

-------------------------------------------------

Graduation's this Saturday (Oct 4) at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in the afternoon. We have to be there by 10:30am for briefing and whatever else. Guests will arrive later at 12:30pm. We've had our first graduation ceremony in OCU during our stay there, of which it felt more like a fun thing than an acutal graduation cuz we hadn't really graduated, with a few subjects still uncompleted. Now that we're done with everything, and going for a real graduation, it evokes another feeling. Mixed feelings, they say. "Rojak" feelings.

Then the next day, Oct 5, I'll be flying to Hong Kong for a short trip with my lovelies. We've came out with a very detailed itinerary and I hope nothing comes in our way to disrupt it. I'm looking forward to the Giant Buddha visit, where I can pray for Grandpa's recovery. I really hope he can recover soon... or it'll be hard for me to really enjoy, worrying about him constantly. Now that his condition has improved, my hopes are climbing a little in altitude.

For now, I need to start packing...

:)

I'm fine...

I'm okay...

Thank you, my dears, for giving me strength. Your little messages of concern definitely lifted me up. I love you all so much. I know I'm not alone and have support from you lovelies. Thanks... :)

I'm just a little physically tired from all the journey to the hospital on top of an entire day's work. (Not that I need to run about for my job, but, you know, work just tires you out, even on days when you weren't even productive at work.)

On days that I have to make my way to the hospital from work alone, I either fall asleep in the bus, zone out, or am trying hard to fight back the tears from the heartache developing from the sight of Grandpa suffering. The music blasting in my ears help sometimes, and some other times I'm pushing away negative thoughts, praying hard, talking to Guan Yin Niang Niang, praying for her to hear my pleas and grant my wish again. It has always worked, from minor hopes to major wishes. And I'm hopeful that it'll work again.

Grandpa has to go through an operation to insert a tube/pipe to enable him to breathe properly on his own without the help of the oxygen mask. The oxygen mask had been making him rather uncomfortable, but that was already a step better than having two thick breathing tubes stuck down his throat on the first two days. Upon consent from family members, the operation would take place next Monday (Sept 29). I don't know much about the operation and how it would help, or the risks involved cuz the parents haven't got a chance to speak to the doctors about the operation yet to sign the papers.

I'm holding positive thoughts, and praying hard for the best outcome.

:)

好累。。。

Tired,
Sleepy,
Hungry,
Pain.
Just wanna rest... and be relieved that Grandpa's on the way to recovery.

休息，是为了走更远的路。
可是我没有时间。
而且，前方的路，该怎么走？
好累。。。

Keep out, trouble.

My grandfather's hospitalised in the MICU ward.
I'm terribly worried about his condition.
I had insufficient sleep last night.
My wisdom tooth had been hurting, and especially painful today.
It's Monday and I have to climb out of bed early to go to work.
I paid double for my cab fare because of a freaking jam.
I have car sick from the jerky taxi ride stuck in the jam.

These reasons are enough to keep me in a horrible mood for the entire day. I don't need more.

外面的天气阴晴不定,
我的内心也像开了的汽水一样,
飘浮不定.

泡泡一点一点的灭,
热情也离我越来越远.

明媚的天色,
让我看到出口.

雷雨交加,
却使我连呼吸都觉得困难.

海阔天空的前方, 到底哪里才容得下我?

眼泪不经落下...

家家有本难念的经

家家有本难念的经 (Every household has their own problems outsiders won't understand)

It's not an easy "scripture"(经) to read. Even if you're very close to your family members, there are bound to be frictions, conflicts, and difference in opinions, taking into account the generation gap as well. Point of views differ, but it takes an open heart and open mind to accommodate another opinion. True, you can try to convince me on your point of view, I can understand where you're coming from, but please, why not try to think from my point of view and try to understand me a little more?

Trained to look at an issue from many points of view from my education in the polytechnic to be a media person, I look at various things from a lot of different aspects, and I found the beauty of it. I could explore and find many different points of views, I could understand some, or find some disgusting, but it doesn't matter if I accept the other opinions cuz at least I'd tried to see it from a different angle. There's no need to put down my opinion or question like that. No one's entirely right, I'm just trying something different. You get agitated easily, even when I'm not even trying to agitate you at all. And when your fire's burning, you bring in many other non-related matters. I thought I learnt to shut up when I sense the slightest heat of your fire. But sometimes, the patience just run out. I know, everything you say or do, it's for my good. I know you love us, and want the best for us. I know you've given me a lot of freedom in many areas since young. I know you let me make many decisions on my own, even though there were some you didn't like. I know. But I just need you to give me more space for my opinions.

I'm not trying to impose my so called "modern day thinking" kind of opinions on you, I just tried to present to you different viewpoints that would make yourself less angry at other things or people, but you couldn't understand where I'm coming from, and splashed cold water at those thoughts. It doesn't help that she likes adding fuel to the fire in the battlefield. I know she's not as smart, and grew up overprotected by outstanding and overspoken siblings. I should have gotten used to it. Oh well.

I treasure our blood-related ties more than I seem to be on the exterior. Or rather, more than what you think. I just can't seem to be able to show it that much. You break my heart when you say you don't expect me to support you in your old age. I want to. Do I seem that unfilial? Stop saying that. I'm not heartless.

Don't say things that pollute our ties when you feel the anger rising. It's not worth it over little matters like that. Breathe.

Lastly, I still love you no matter what happens. The love for you all will never die, even if the physical body dies.

And I will make myself master the skill of shutting up my mouth and learn the art of it. It's not easy, cuz I wanted you to understand, but it seems to be better if I just listen, or pretend to understand even if I didn't.


The clock's ticking,
I'm always learning...

The Balance

In this world, if you refuse to compromise and then think lightly of it, it'll be a torture. By saying "thinking lightly of it," I mean that one doesn't think of it as a sacrifice, but giving way to someone more important, something that might be better, something that makes everyone happy. If you think of it that way, you feel better, and everything becomes better.

For example, when you go on a trip overseas together, everyone compromises to find a date to set off, compromise on the places each person wants to go, and compromise on every other thing. But if the company is worth it, and everyone gives in some way or another, things will turn out fine.

Even simple things like deciding on a place to eat, sometimes this person gives in, another time another person gives in. It doesn't really have to be fair all the time, as long as things don't result in something bad. It's not business deals, so it doesn't have to be a fair trade all the time.

Selfishness and kindness are both in born. However, some events occur throughout one's life and change these beliefs, which then causes a change in attitude and behavior.

It's difficult to strike a balance between these two. Too much of either makes one's own life more difficult. So it's hard to blame if people can't find this center of gravity. It's just how they handle their lives. Change for the good or the worse, it's up to people to decide.

P.S: It's just some random thoughts.
Disclaimer: I don't point to specific events, just some general thoughts that can come from daily life, television shows I saw, books I've read, or websites I've seen. Random, that is. ;P

I like to people watch, and analyse people. I like studying psychology, cuz it's simply interesting. Then again, sometimes I think analyzing so many things in life is pretty tiring, why not just let things take its course in nature? Why must there be a solid plan for everything? Does a plan mean things will go the way you want them to? Of course, I'm not saying plans are useless, they are indeed very useful and of utmost importance in many areas. There, again, one just has to find the balance.

Steph said I should blog more often, to let others know what's going on in my mind cuz I don't often speak of them in person. I find typing or writing out my thoughts easier. My tongue is a little tied pretty often cuz my brains work faster than the tongue, and when I wanna say subject A, my brains are already processing the thoughts for subject B.
Okay, I will, Steph!

I was walking to Somerset towards my bus stop after I parted with Stephy at Ngee Ann City, and I saw this old man playing an instrument in the middle of the walkway as a busker. When I dropped that one dollar coin in, he paused his melody and said "Xie xie" (Thank You) to me with a bright smile, lacking some teeth. It immediately stirred a little something in me. I felt like I did something good for the day, and my mood immediately rose up the ranks, not that I was in a bad mood in the first place. But being able to help another gives a simple yet great feeling. I only wished I could do more. I love my grandparents dearly, having grown up with them, so old people on the streets having to make a living on their own makes me feel really bad. Of course, not all are out on the streets because their children are not supporting them well, I'm referring to those who do this because their children aren't doing what they can to support their parents who have painstakingly raised them up with all their might. Shame on them!

Every year, I go to Lim Chu Kang to pray to my grandfather (Dad's father) whom I've never met cuz he went to heaven even before my parents got married. I go not because I'm forced to, my parents never forced me, and they even gave me the option to stay home if I had tests or exams the next day, but I want to go. All because I felt that it's the least I could do. All grandparents like to see their grandchildren, all parents like to see their children too. Doesn't matter if they're alive or not, it's the livings' thoughts that count. Having read this, when was the last time you visited your grandparents, gave them a hug, and listened to them? Go ahead..
I gave my grandparents and parents a hug when I headed to the states, and another when I came back. Hugs are gifts of warmth, a gift that doesn't require any money nor too much effort, and are precious little gifts. Friends and family alike, a hug is more powerful than a thousand words. I visit my grandparents almost every week, cuz like I mentioned earlier, all old people like to have their grandchildren and children by their side, even if it's for a short while. Moreover, time doesn't wait for anyone, don't wait till the moment when regret kicks in. When regret starts kicking in, it's probably too late. So, don't wait if you can.


Wow... unknowingly, I've written so much again... I could go on and on... but I'm tired so I shall continue some other time cuz my random thoughts never end, they simply spiral off into something new. Co-relation? Uh-huh!

;P

"Uh-huh"

The Nine took a total of 17,526 photos on our trip in the states, which takes up a whooping 29.5GB in my computer's memory space. Impressive huh... All thanks to our narcissism and love and passion for photo-taking. Never mind the photo-taking skills, we just love to point and shoot, throwing in some technical details like differing the focus or changing it to B&W or sepia at times. What to do? Everywhere where you point your camera at is a worthy shot, recording a moment of your life in somewhere different. And you tend to do silly poses or do things you don't do back at home when you're overseas. So there goes, the rationale for the folder of more than ten thousand photos titled "United States of America 2008," accumulated over a period of one month.

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."
I just wanna add, "and the gleeful cold.."

I can't possibly load all the photos here, and I can't decide which to upload and which not cuz they're all precious moments. Therefore, I'm gonna upload the jumping photos by Gjump, in Oklahoma and Los Angeles, in this post.

Enjoy!

A photo fit to be an advertisement for Oklahoma City University! We were all wearing our school t-shirts too!


Outside The Oklahoman, a daily newspaper in Oklahoma, after a tour of their operations.


In the TV production studio


Outside the Mass Communications Building


Not to mention Gjump's manager, who takes care of all our bags when we do our photoshoot, Daryl, and our photographer, James, who's always behind the camera. Our manager takes the role of the photographer when our official photographer goes missing too.. Hahaha..


At the National Weather Station in Oklahoma


Outside Wal-mart, where a number of us spent a considerable sum at. ;)


On Mount Scott, Wichita Mountains. Beautiful scenery, refreshing air, uplifted moods...


The vast grassland in Wichita Mountains...breathe-taking


Steph kept hurting herself, this time she missed a step and hurt her ankle right right when we were preparing to jump. So our love for this girl made us pretend to jump together. *hugs*


At Indian City, a heritage place. It's a pity lots of cultural stuff are dissappearing cuz not all people preserve them like treasures and tend to forget their roots...


Outside our Petree College of Arts and Sciences


The Cheesecake Factory from L.A., in Oklahoma. One good meal with The Nine(minus one) before we head out for our final shopping spree in OKC.


We stayed here for three weeks, spent a big fee for this hotel, but it's really worth the price. The service, the breakfast (although almost the same every single day in the three weeks, I kind of got used to it and miss it badly now), the area, the company I had...
I miss it...


With Donnie, our favorite bus captain for the three weeks in Oklahoma, who always praises us and say we'll make Singapore proud (aww...), outside Marriot Residence Inn, before leaving for L.A.



Then we went on to L.A. after the three joyful and fruitful weeks in Oklahoma...


At Disneyland, the happiest place on earth!


Outside Pacific Park at Santa Monica beach


At Universal Studios!


At Universal Studios!



Note: I edited out the extra people in some of the photos cuz I don't like extra people in our supposedly perfect photos.. Hahaha...

Love y'all, my dears!

Suffocated

Please stop asking me what I plan to do after I graduate. Thanks.

I don't have much of an idea as of now.

I just feel suffocated, and I don't really know why. I get frustrated or irritated easily these days. The previous week it could have been pre-menstrual syndrome kicking in, then after that, post-menstrual syndrome continues the low spirits. But after that, I still feel the low spirits, I have no idea why.

But don't worry, I'm not suffering from depression, I still enjoy myself at times, smile like a fool when I watch TVXQ's videos, enjoy myself when I'm with people I love and like, trying hard to focus in class, have fun from playing SIMS, singing almost everyday at home, irritating my brother, playing with BearBear, and getting comfort from my smelly.

It's just that I cry at things that I usually don't get too emotional about previously. Like when I watched the movie "10 Promises to My Dog," tears poured uncontrollably when the doggie died. I tried really hard to not to sniff the mucus that follows the tears, and let the tears evaporate on its own until the movie ended. I knew a movie with a dog as the main lead of the movie will definitely get me crying when it dies, but I couldn't help it, the main lead was a golden retriever! My favourite speciies of dog - a very gorgeous and smart dog. Someone wanna buy me one? My two tortoises at home wouldn't mind some company. Gee...

I was looking out the window on the bus, like I always do. It suddenly dawned on me that besides falling asleep in the bus journeys, my eyes are usually glued to the cars passing by. And the thought of "if I had my own car..." never subsides through the years. Especially after I got my liscence, the desire only gets greater, much greater. Then it dawned on me that this habit of looking at the cars on the road must haven been cultivated since young cuz Daddy always ask me to count a certain color of the cars passing by when I complain of being bored on the journey to places.

Haven't drove Dad's car for 3 weeks already... Firstly, fuel prices are insane, so I can't ask Dad to let me drive around aimlessly. Then I usually can't wake up early enough to drive my brother and dad to the hawker centre at 10am. Secondly, driving with Dad beside me, supervising and eyeing my every move, is extremely stressful. And it doesn't help that my Dad is pretty impatient - all afraid that I might crash his car and hurt his insurance rebates, more importantly, endanger lives. Thirdly, if I managed to wake up early enough, I'm already hooked onto videos or games before they set off for brunch. Frankly, it's the second reason that's real, the rest, I figured, are simply excuses. I often escape from real problems. Really hate myself for that. Escaping from a problem only makes it snowball and escalate, waiting to explode. I know, but.. sigh.. I don't know. I seem to pick the wrong times to talk to my Dad. We either end up in an interesting and funny debate, or intense arguement. It's that extreme, we rarely make a conclusion of a topic without getting agitated about presenting our point of views first. These days, I learnt to just shut up when he starts rambling. It works very well if you just hold the anger in. When one doesn't continue the topic, the other will stop somehow. Only sometimes, agitation rushes up so fast that the brains haven't had time to send signals to stop the mouth from rambling some nonsense to spark more displeasure in the other. Oh well... shut up, just shut up, and he'll stop it. Say one less hurtful word, and save the day. It's okay.

"Confused" is no longer a suitable word to use.
"Emotional?" Yea, I guess so. Suddenly I figured my frustration is caused by my numerous wants which cannot be fulfilled. I hope they're not not ready to be fulfilled, and be realized one day which isn't too far. But I'm not doing anything to make that happen cuz of various reasons.

Class for Research Methodology is finally over. It's fortunate that we don't have to carry out the actual research, but just prepare a research proposal to hand in for grades as our post assignment. I guess it's the module itself, cuz the professor's good, that makes us restless in class and zone out every now and then during lectures. Sometimes when I zone out and the professor walks over and seemingly wana ask a question, I would nod slightly and look away, pretending to think, cuz I just zoned out and didn't hear what the professor asked. Sorry! It wasn't intentional, Prof!

Last module's almost over, except for three more tutorials. Then its exam on August 23, 2008 will mark our last hurdle towards our degree. And then, the question will start flooding in again. Like I said from the start, stop asking me already. I will naturally tell if I have an answer...

"Lonely.. I am so lonely, I've got nobody, I'm on my own~~ Woo~"
That's not entirely true for me, but it fits my mood pretty well.

My paragraphs don't really flow, cuz the fingers simply type what comes on my mind almost simultaneously. But who cares.

I think I should write on my blog more often and stop censoring so much information. It's making the pouring of my woes a little less easy. Writing my random thoughts is quite a good idea. Whether in my notebook, a word document, or on the blog. Anywhere's fine and sort of a relief. You write your thoughts down, and see them in a clearer view. Yup.

Just remember, when you feel the air around you thinning, walk away, and remember to breathe! Just breathe...