好累。。。

Tired,
Sleepy,
Hungry,
Pain.
Just wanna rest... and be relieved that Grandpa's on the way to recovery.

休息，是为了走更远的路。
可是我没有时间。
而且，前方的路，该怎么走？
好累。。。

Keep out, trouble.

My grandfather's hospitalised in the MICU ward.
I'm terribly worried about his condition.
I had insufficient sleep last night.
My wisdom tooth had been hurting, and especially painful today.
It's Monday and I have to climb out of bed early to go to work.
I paid double for my cab fare because of a freaking jam.
I have car sick from the jerky taxi ride stuck in the jam.

These reasons are enough to keep me in a horrible mood for the entire day. I don't need more.

外面的天气阴晴不定,
我的内心也像开了的汽水一样,
飘浮不定.

泡泡一点一点的灭,
热情也离我越来越远.

明媚的天色,
让我看到出口.

雷雨交加,
却使我连呼吸都觉得困难.

海阔天空的前方, 到底哪里才容得下我?

眼泪不经落下...

家家有本难念的经

家家有本难念的经 (Every household has their own problems outsiders won't understand)

It's not an easy "scripture"(经) to read. Even if you're very close to your family members, there are bound to be frictions, conflicts, and difference in opinions, taking into account the generation gap as well. Point of views differ, but it takes an open heart and open mind to accommodate another opinion. True, you can try to convince me on your point of view, I can understand where you're coming from, but please, why not try to think from my point of view and try to understand me a little more?

Trained to look at an issue from many points of view from my education in the polytechnic to be a media person, I look at various things from a lot of different aspects, and I found the beauty of it. I could explore and find many different points of views, I could understand some, or find some disgusting, but it doesn't matter if I accept the other opinions cuz at least I'd tried to see it from a different angle. There's no need to put down my opinion or question like that. No one's entirely right, I'm just trying something different. You get agitated easily, even when I'm not even trying to agitate you at all. And when your fire's burning, you bring in many other non-related matters. I thought I learnt to shut up when I sense the slightest heat of your fire. But sometimes, the patience just run out. I know, everything you say or do, it's for my good. I know you love us, and want the best for us. I know you've given me a lot of freedom in many areas since young. I know you let me make many decisions on my own, even though there were some you didn't like. I know. But I just need you to give me more space for my opinions.

I'm not trying to impose my so called "modern day thinking" kind of opinions on you, I just tried to present to you different viewpoints that would make yourself less angry at other things or people, but you couldn't understand where I'm coming from, and splashed cold water at those thoughts. It doesn't help that she likes adding fuel to the fire in the battlefield. I know she's not as smart, and grew up overprotected by outstanding and overspoken siblings. I should have gotten used to it. Oh well.

I treasure our blood-related ties more than I seem to be on the exterior. Or rather, more than what you think. I just can't seem to be able to show it that much. You break my heart when you say you don't expect me to support you in your old age. I want to. Do I seem that unfilial? Stop saying that. I'm not heartless.

Don't say things that pollute our ties when you feel the anger rising. It's not worth it over little matters like that. Breathe.

Lastly, I still love you no matter what happens. The love for you all will never die, even if the physical body dies.

And I will make myself master the skill of shutting up my mouth and learn the art of it. It's not easy, cuz I wanted you to understand, but it seems to be better if I just listen, or pretend to understand even if I didn't.


The clock's ticking,
I'm always learning...

The Balance

In this world, if you refuse to compromise and then think lightly of it, it'll be a torture. By saying "thinking lightly of it," I mean that one doesn't think of it as a sacrifice, but giving way to someone more important, something that might be better, something that makes everyone happy. If you think of it that way, you feel better, and everything becomes better.

For example, when you go on a trip overseas together, everyone compromises to find a date to set off, compromise on the places each person wants to go, and compromise on every other thing. But if the company is worth it, and everyone gives in some way or another, things will turn out fine.

Even simple things like deciding on a place to eat, sometimes this person gives in, another time another person gives in. It doesn't really have to be fair all the time, as long as things don't result in something bad. It's not business deals, so it doesn't have to be a fair trade all the time.

Selfishness and kindness are both in born. However, some events occur throughout one's life and change these beliefs, which then causes a change in attitude and behavior.

It's difficult to strike a balance between these two. Too much of either makes one's own life more difficult. So it's hard to blame if people can't find this center of gravity. It's just how they handle their lives. Change for the good or the worse, it's up to people to decide.

P.S: It's just some random thoughts.
Disclaimer: I don't point to specific events, just some general thoughts that can come from daily life, television shows I saw, books I've read, or websites I've seen. Random, that is. ;P

I like to people watch, and analyse people. I like studying psychology, cuz it's simply interesting. Then again, sometimes I think analyzing so many things in life is pretty tiring, why not just let things take its course in nature? Why must there be a solid plan for everything? Does a plan mean things will go the way you want them to? Of course, I'm not saying plans are useless, they are indeed very useful and of utmost importance in many areas. There, again, one just has to find the balance.

Steph said I should blog more often, to let others know what's going on in my mind cuz I don't often speak of them in person. I find typing or writing out my thoughts easier. My tongue is a little tied pretty often cuz my brains work faster than the tongue, and when I wanna say subject A, my brains are already processing the thoughts for subject B.
Okay, I will, Steph!

I was walking to Somerset towards my bus stop after I parted with Stephy at Ngee Ann City, and I saw this old man playing an instrument in the middle of the walkway as a busker. When I dropped that one dollar coin in, he paused his melody and said "Xie xie" (Thank You) to me with a bright smile, lacking some teeth. It immediately stirred a little something in me. I felt like I did something good for the day, and my mood immediately rose up the ranks, not that I was in a bad mood in the first place. But being able to help another gives a simple yet great feeling. I only wished I could do more. I love my grandparents dearly, having grown up with them, so old people on the streets having to make a living on their own makes me feel really bad. Of course, not all are out on the streets because their children are not supporting them well, I'm referring to those who do this because their children aren't doing what they can to support their parents who have painstakingly raised them up with all their might. Shame on them!

Every year, I go to Lim Chu Kang to pray to my grandfather (Dad's father) whom I've never met cuz he went to heaven even before my parents got married. I go not because I'm forced to, my parents never forced me, and they even gave me the option to stay home if I had tests or exams the next day, but I want to go. All because I felt that it's the least I could do. All grandparents like to see their grandchildren, all parents like to see their children too. Doesn't matter if they're alive or not, it's the livings' thoughts that count. Having read this, when was the last time you visited your grandparents, gave them a hug, and listened to them? Go ahead..
I gave my grandparents and parents a hug when I headed to the states, and another when I came back. Hugs are gifts of warmth, a gift that doesn't require any money nor too much effort, and are precious little gifts. Friends and family alike, a hug is more powerful than a thousand words. I visit my grandparents almost every week, cuz like I mentioned earlier, all old people like to have their grandchildren and children by their side, even if it's for a short while. Moreover, time doesn't wait for anyone, don't wait till the moment when regret kicks in. When regret starts kicking in, it's probably too late. So, don't wait if you can.


Wow... unknowingly, I've written so much again... I could go on and on... but I'm tired so I shall continue some other time cuz my random thoughts never end, they simply spiral off into something new. Co-relation? Uh-huh!

;P

"Uh-huh"

The Nine took a total of 17,526 photos on our trip in the states, which takes up a whooping 29.5GB in my computer's memory space. Impressive huh... All thanks to our narcissism and love and passion for photo-taking. Never mind the photo-taking skills, we just love to point and shoot, throwing in some technical details like differing the focus or changing it to B&W or sepia at times. What to do? Everywhere where you point your camera at is a worthy shot, recording a moment of your life in somewhere different. And you tend to do silly poses or do things you don't do back at home when you're overseas. So there goes, the rationale for the folder of more than ten thousand photos titled "United States of America 2008," accumulated over a period of one month.

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."
I just wanna add, "and the gleeful cold.."

I can't possibly load all the photos here, and I can't decide which to upload and which not cuz they're all precious moments. Therefore, I'm gonna upload the jumping photos by Gjump, in Oklahoma and Los Angeles, in this post.

Enjoy!

A photo fit to be an advertisement for Oklahoma City University! We were all wearing our school t-shirts too!


Outside The Oklahoman, a daily newspaper in Oklahoma, after a tour of their operations.


In the TV production studio


Outside the Mass Communications Building


Not to mention Gjump's manager, who takes care of all our bags when we do our photoshoot, Daryl, and our photographer, James, who's always behind the camera. Our manager takes the role of the photographer when our official photographer goes missing too.. Hahaha..


At the National Weather Station in Oklahoma


Outside Wal-mart, where a number of us spent a considerable sum at. ;)


On Mount Scott, Wichita Mountains. Beautiful scenery, refreshing air, uplifted moods...


The vast grassland in Wichita Mountains...breathe-taking


Steph kept hurting herself, this time she missed a step and hurt her ankle right right when we were preparing to jump. So our love for this girl made us pretend to jump together. *hugs*


At Indian City, a heritage place. It's a pity lots of cultural stuff are dissappearing cuz not all people preserve them like treasures and tend to forget their roots...


Outside our Petree College of Arts and Sciences


The Cheesecake Factory from L.A., in Oklahoma. One good meal with The Nine(minus one) before we head out for our final shopping spree in OKC.


We stayed here for three weeks, spent a big fee for this hotel, but it's really worth the price. The service, the breakfast (although almost the same every single day in the three weeks, I kind of got used to it and miss it badly now), the area, the company I had...
I miss it...


With Donnie, our favorite bus captain for the three weeks in Oklahoma, who always praises us and say we'll make Singapore proud (aww...), outside Marriot Residence Inn, before leaving for L.A.



Then we went on to L.A. after the three joyful and fruitful weeks in Oklahoma...


At Disneyland, the happiest place on earth!


Outside Pacific Park at Santa Monica beach


At Universal Studios!


At Universal Studios!



Note: I edited out the extra people in some of the photos cuz I don't like extra people in our supposedly perfect photos.. Hahaha...

Love y'all, my dears!

Suffocated

Please stop asking me what I plan to do after I graduate. Thanks.

I don't have much of an idea as of now.

I just feel suffocated, and I don't really know why. I get frustrated or irritated easily these days. The previous week it could have been pre-menstrual syndrome kicking in, then after that, post-menstrual syndrome continues the low spirits. But after that, I still feel the low spirits, I have no idea why.

But don't worry, I'm not suffering from depression, I still enjoy myself at times, smile like a fool when I watch TVXQ's videos, enjoy myself when I'm with people I love and like, trying hard to focus in class, have fun from playing SIMS, singing almost everyday at home, irritating my brother, playing with BearBear, and getting comfort from my smelly.

It's just that I cry at things that I usually don't get too emotional about previously. Like when I watched the movie "10 Promises to My Dog," tears poured uncontrollably when the doggie died. I tried really hard to not to sniff the mucus that follows the tears, and let the tears evaporate on its own until the movie ended. I knew a movie with a dog as the main lead of the movie will definitely get me crying when it dies, but I couldn't help it, the main lead was a golden retriever! My favourite speciies of dog - a very gorgeous and smart dog. Someone wanna buy me one? My two tortoises at home wouldn't mind some company. Gee...

I was looking out the window on the bus, like I always do. It suddenly dawned on me that besides falling asleep in the bus journeys, my eyes are usually glued to the cars passing by. And the thought of "if I had my own car..." never subsides through the years. Especially after I got my liscence, the desire only gets greater, much greater. Then it dawned on me that this habit of looking at the cars on the road must haven been cultivated since young cuz Daddy always ask me to count a certain color of the cars passing by when I complain of being bored on the journey to places.

Haven't drove Dad's car for 3 weeks already... Firstly, fuel prices are insane, so I can't ask Dad to let me drive around aimlessly. Then I usually can't wake up early enough to drive my brother and dad to the hawker centre at 10am. Secondly, driving with Dad beside me, supervising and eyeing my every move, is extremely stressful. And it doesn't help that my Dad is pretty impatient - all afraid that I might crash his car and hurt his insurance rebates, more importantly, endanger lives. Thirdly, if I managed to wake up early enough, I'm already hooked onto videos or games before they set off for brunch. Frankly, it's the second reason that's real, the rest, I figured, are simply excuses. I often escape from real problems. Really hate myself for that. Escaping from a problem only makes it snowball and escalate, waiting to explode. I know, but.. sigh.. I don't know. I seem to pick the wrong times to talk to my Dad. We either end up in an interesting and funny debate, or intense arguement. It's that extreme, we rarely make a conclusion of a topic without getting agitated about presenting our point of views first. These days, I learnt to just shut up when he starts rambling. It works very well if you just hold the anger in. When one doesn't continue the topic, the other will stop somehow. Only sometimes, agitation rushes up so fast that the brains haven't had time to send signals to stop the mouth from rambling some nonsense to spark more displeasure in the other. Oh well... shut up, just shut up, and he'll stop it. Say one less hurtful word, and save the day. It's okay.

"Confused" is no longer a suitable word to use.
"Emotional?" Yea, I guess so. Suddenly I figured my frustration is caused by my numerous wants which cannot be fulfilled. I hope they're not not ready to be fulfilled, and be realized one day which isn't too far. But I'm not doing anything to make that happen cuz of various reasons.

Class for Research Methodology is finally over. It's fortunate that we don't have to carry out the actual research, but just prepare a research proposal to hand in for grades as our post assignment. I guess it's the module itself, cuz the professor's good, that makes us restless in class and zone out every now and then during lectures. Sometimes when I zone out and the professor walks over and seemingly wana ask a question, I would nod slightly and look away, pretending to think, cuz I just zoned out and didn't hear what the professor asked. Sorry! It wasn't intentional, Prof!

Last module's almost over, except for three more tutorials. Then its exam on August 23, 2008 will mark our last hurdle towards our degree. And then, the question will start flooding in again. Like I said from the start, stop asking me already. I will naturally tell if I have an answer...

"Lonely.. I am so lonely, I've got nobody, I'm on my own~~ Woo~"
That's not entirely true for me, but it fits my mood pretty well.

My paragraphs don't really flow, cuz the fingers simply type what comes on my mind almost simultaneously. But who cares.

I think I should write on my blog more often and stop censoring so much information. It's making the pouring of my woes a little less easy. Writing my random thoughts is quite a good idea. Whether in my notebook, a word document, or on the blog. Anywhere's fine and sort of a relief. You write your thoughts down, and see them in a clearer view. Yup.

Just remember, when you feel the air around you thinning, walk away, and remember to breathe! Just breathe...

I'm Back!

Steph sweetly made this 30 minutes video for The Nine's US trip, particularly in Oklahoma where The Nine was together everyday. (In the hotel, at least). A number of unglam photos, but these are the kind of photos you get when you travel with a bunch of friends, so just bear with it. But that's also the fun part! Hahahaha...




I miss the life there. Like Sam said in her blog, every single day we woke up in bed with a goal, an exciting plan running in our heads including where to go and what to do. Back in Singapore now, everyday I wake up and turn on my laptop, unsure of what I should or need to do. My luggages are half unpacked. I unpacked my "shopping and gifts" luggage I bought in Oklahoma, while my original luggage still sits there, waiting to be deported after getting striped of one of its wheels from violence in the process of struggling back to Singapore. After unpacking, I realized I really didn't buy that much for myself, I spent hundreds on gifts for people, as usual. Somehow, the thousands still dissappear mysteriously, even though I faithfully took down how I spent my every single cent until the last week, I gave up and focused on how much I have left to spend.

When I called Uncle Boon in Vancouver at LAX and told him about how much I'd enjoyed myself and not want to go back to Singapore, he says it's very different in a working environment in North America. But I still feel like trying, even though I'm not sure if I would at the end of the day. But I really hope to try working abroad, other parts of Asia would be fine too, cuz experiences make up what they call "life." ;P

Been fighting jet lag the past week, and finally managed to overcome it this week. Last week, I fell asleep at 6pm everyday and woke up naturally at 3:40am. It's neither my sleeping time in LA nor Oklahoma (according to their timezones.)

The photos are all being uploaded to facebook's photo albums. Just me alone took about 3000 pictures, plus the other 6 cameras from The Nine, we took about 15,000 photos for the entire month.

I actually missed the rest of The Nine when Jolene, Anais, and I arrived at Los Angeles and went separate ways from the rest. Even though Celest, Steph, Sam, and Daryl were in LA too, I still missed them, and James and Muneerah came back to the sunny island first. I love my Nine!!!

And I'll definitely miss jumping around. Absolutely love our awesome jumping shots!
Malaysia + United States of America = World Tour (wahahaha..That's what every celebrity do when they have many concerts in Asia, and just one or two concerts in US, they call it a world tour. So ours is a whole tour too!)
We shall go on a Singapore Tour soon! ;D

I learnt a lot and enjoyed this trip extremely. I just wished the trip could be even longer, like a year. It could be even better if I could go over to Canada to visit Uncle Boon and Carine. (I wished!)

Overseas trips with friends and families evoke different feelings, though they could be just as fun. With friends, you get more excitement going around feeling independent. On the other hand, with parents, you don't have to worry about finances at all, cuz Daddy takes care of everything. Wahahaha...

Hmm.. I think I've run out of things to say, for now. My random thoughts are never ending. Everyday I strain my brains thinking about things that would not realize. Of course I hope it would be realized, but looking at the way I'm not making any efforts to realise it, I guess I shall stop thinking about it for now. Bleargh... La la la la la~

Love,
Ching ;D

Goodbye, Yee...

Our aunt left us today...

My grandmother called and said, "Ah Ching, Yee's gone," in Hokkien. I handed the phone to my mum, who still had a smile on a few moments ago. She held back her tears while on the phone with my granny, but broke down once she called my dad to break the news to him. We were prepared for the news since last night, the doctor said her liver had failed, and she might not pull through the night, but she did, and held on till 3pm. The whole night I couldn't sleep with ease, worried that my phone will ring anytime, bringing bad news. I fell asleep at 2am, only to wake up at 5am. I fell asleep again at 6am, only to wake up at 8:30am or so. I guess my family members didn't had good sleeps too, who could? It took me some time to digest what I heard from my granny, "Yee's gone." Till now, that sentence lingers in my head.

It took me about 15 minutes before the reality hit me. Being prepared is one thing, when the moment actually arrives, it's another. I stood at the window in the yard, seeing the cars pass by, children returning home from school, buses bringing loads of people to their destinations, then it all became blurred; my face was wet with tears. Burying my face in my hands, I let it all out as the traffic drowned me out, and even louder when the air force planes fly pass. I have no idea how long it took for me to calm down, but the weird feeling stays, eyes still warm with tears. Even a shower didn't help much.

It was a pain watching her suffer in the hospital the whole day yesterday. It's a relief for her, end of all the physical pain she bore throughout the four years of fighting with cancer; Breast cancer, Bone cancer, Brain cancer, and back to the bones. Sigh... Cancer is a merciless killer, no doubts.

My grandparents must be devastated. It's already hard for family members to see loved ones pass away, even harder when the elderly have to send their children off earlier than themselves, as the chinese saying goes, "白发人送黑发人." The only time I saw my grandfather cry was during my great-grandmother's wake. The second time was in the hospital yesterday when he saw my aunt lying in bed, struggling with every breath, heart aching to see his once lively and energetic daughter reduced to bones and dependant on sedatives to lessen her pain.

My mum was closest to this aunt, having just an age gap of a year. She cried really hard, even harder when I went over to give her a hug. Mummy, I've never said this in your face since I'd grown up, but I love you. I know you'll read this after some time. I love you, Mummy. I love you, Daddy. I love you, JingYu. I'm thankful to have you with me. Thank you so much...

The most worrying are my two cousins. They seemed fine yesterday at the hospital when we left, giving us big cheery smiles and waves as we entered the lift. One's 16-year-old, taking his "N" levels this years, another's 12-year-old, the same age as my brother, and taking his PSLE this year as well. The younger one might still be unclear of what's really affecting him, the older one doesn't show his unhappiness on his face, but I'm sure they're one of the most affected. I believe they'll be strong. Their mother was a very strong woman, being totally independent after separation and supporting herself, the domestic helper, and her two sons. Caicai, be strong, k? Your little brother needs you. All of us will support you in whichever way we can. *hugs*

It might be too late to say this now, but if my aunt had gone for the operation last december to get rid of the cancer cells that reappeared, she might have won the battle against the illness again, like she had the previous times. We never knew of her condition then. Just one thought of hers that we cannot comprehend, no malicious intend, though. She said she believed God will pull her through this, and did not want to go for the operation. The maid told us yesterday that she had encouraged my aunt to go for the operation then, telling her that God had sent the doctor to cure her, she should go for it. But she didn't want to, she believe God would cure her. There's nothing we can say now, it's over. It was her decision. Thinking from her viewpoint, it must have been terribly tiring to fight against the illness, she must have been exhausted. Like she said, she's ready to go into the arms of God. But my mum told me that my aunt wrote on a slip of paper to the doctor, that said, "I want to live, I don't want to die," before the doctor gave her sedatives. Her will to live was very strong, it is what had pull her through all the while, but treatment was no longer of much help.

Tonight the wake will start. I don't know how well I can hold back my tears. I don't like crying in front of others, including my family. But I'm fine, really, I just need time. My brother hardly understands the situation, and is talking rubbish to make me laugh. Or maybe he knows, he's just trying to soften the tension. Sigh...

Life is unpredictable and fragile. Like the XBox advertisement suggests, "Life is short, play more," just go ahead and do things you think is right and will make your life more fulfilled.

Goodbye, Yee... We'll miss you a lot! Your boys will be strong. Life without you will never be the same, but we hope you've sought peace up there. Bye...

Love,
Ching & family

My Actual 21st Birthday Celebration

Hazelnut Latte at Pacific Coffee


Nice dinner at Dian Xiao Er, with interesting decor.


My beautiful Strawberry Cheese cake from Secret Recipe - *drools*


The Rituals...


Oh yes, my brother treated me to pizza for lunch before we went out. Kimchi pizza & Unagi pizza from Oishi Pizza - Yummay!~


It was simple yet sweet. I understand why people say sometimes simplicity is the best. Yea, sometimes is good. ;)

Cheers!~