Passing thoughts

Last night, after I wrote my entry, I stared at my blog skin and the effort I put in creating a shoutbox, jukebox, photos and et cetera. I'd put so much effort into maintaining the blog and picked up HTML on the way. I wouldn't say I mastered it as my skills are mediocre and is only good enough for amateur work. I'm still glad I made good use of what I picked up in school.

My friend commented that I usually blog only when I'm in a negative mood, angry or sad. It's true. Somehow, I only feel like writing only in those emotions. Writing it down enables me to release those negative notion and move on. It helps.
When I'm happy, I'm just happy and feeling the moment. There's no strong desire to pen my positive feelings. I think I should start. I should start counting my blessings and think of how to make things happen for me, instead of lamenting on just how difficult or harsh life has been to me. Or which interesting character ruined my plans or life. I should keep a record of my happy plans too.

To get more positive energy flowing in me, I listened to a recommendation from the idol and bought The Secret, a book with ways of how to live life positively and to fight for what you want in your life. I'm an impatient person so if the book keeps saying the same things, I'll get bored quickly. So I'm only halfway into the book since two years or more ago and never made progress. Something is keeping me from reading again, my iPhone.

Okay, I lost my train of thoughts. I shall end here for now. Ciao!

Till I spread my wings and fly again,
Ching :)

Hi! It has been a long while...

I've been spilling my thoughts all over Twitter as and when I can, that when I'm on this blog, my mind goes blank.

It helps that my Twitter account is made private and I can say so much more with little censoring. For a person like me who prefers writing than talking, it is an ideal platform, though the characters limitation is kind of frustrating.

I thought about what could I write here when names or specific matters should not be mentioned on a public domain. I still don't have an answer for myself. I don't know who is going to read this so I don't feel adequately secure too reveal too much on an open space like this anymore. The insecurity in me just increases with age. Ah...now I understand why the elderly and adults always remind us to be careful when we are on our own, especially in the working environment. 'Cause you can't tell at first sight if a person is genuinely nice or if the person is but a two-faced clown. I fully comprehend now, why those warnings had to be drilled in us . When you're bitten or stabbed from the back, it's just too late. The wound may heal, but the scar will always remind you from falling into the same trap twice.

So, yes. This is the scary working world for me where I have to learn how to work smart to my advantage, while not harming the innocent.
If you won't bite me, I won't bite you. If you keep me safe, I'll appreciate it a whole lot and keep you safer.

Woah, all of a sudden, déjà vu hits. Did I write the same thing some time ago?

Oh well...so that's how I'm capable of turning the situation from having nothing to talk about here, to typing a whole lot.

Good night!

Till I flap my wings and fly again,
Ching :)

Never get too settled in your comfort zone

If you're facing a quarter or mid-life crisis and trying to do something about it, Congratulations, you're still an active person. By active, I mean at least you're trying to do something about it. Not give reasons like, "Oh, I don't have time," "I don't think it's necessary," "I'll wait for the right timing." Let me ask you, so when is the right timing? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? Or might as well next lifetime?

After experiencing the loved ones' deaths these couple of years, I've learnt not to waste time in my life. There must be a balance of work and life every week of my life. There's a time to strive hard for a better future, and there's a time to strengthen the bonding of the loved ones - family and friends. Besides that, I give myself some "me" time.

An ordinary person would always think that there's always tomorrow, or next week, or next month to do stuff. But no, no one knows when your time will be up. When it's up, you don't appear translucent beside your loved ones. You don't get to hug them anymore. You don't get to say sorry that oen last time. Time's up. Period.

One of Auntie AiAi's last words on her death bed made a huge impact on me. She said "I don't want to die." It still hurts my heart a lot when it comes to my mind. But she's a very pro-active person. She takes action for what she wants to do almost immediately. There's no time to waste. Even in her final stages of cancer, she didn't seem to let the pain and weakness of the physical body stop her from doing what her mind wants to accomplish.

I applaud and respect her for that. She never gave up on herself. I miss you, Auntie AiAi.

Aside to that, I get sort of angry when I see people sucking on that stupid white or brown thing called cigarette. Not only because I have to sniff 2nd hand smoke which is twice as harmful as 1st hand smoke for nothing, but because they don't cherish what they have - an originally healthy body.

People who are stricken with incurable illnesses are fighting for their lives. What are you doing???
If you get any illness from it because of your silly act, well, that's the consequences. I have nothing to say about your decision, except to feel sad for your family and friends who might lose you anytime. Have you thought of people the feelings of the people who love you?

Putting it blatantly, if you leave the human world, it's a full-stop to your life. That's it, no turning back. You're not the one who suffers the most. Mental hurt is worse than physical hurt. The people who suffer most from your departure are people who love you, the woman who give birth to you, the grandparents who doted on you, the friends who cherish you for who you are. The heartaches will haunt them for their lives. And in certain cases, what if their lives comes to a standstill because of your departure? Or that your departure hits them so hard that they decide to leave this world along with you? You like that? I don't. I don't want to die from such dumb reasons. I don't want my family and friends to suffer from that. It's totally unnecessary.

Ever wondered why people who sell drugs don't take drugs?
Simple, cuz they're smart. They know it's of no good, at all. So these smart tabacco companies just grow their wealth when people with silly mindsets jump onto the bandwagon sending them to hell. Great! Work out the math, will you? It's not hard.

These few pararaphs may offend many, but I plead with you to think of it reasonably and carefully. Does it make sense to you?


Next...
Too often, i hear people complaining about their lives. And I wonder, after the complaints, are they doing something to change their lives? Or simply "living it to heaven's will"?

At an age of 23+, i'm not letting my life slow down. I won't let anything get in my way if i'm set to achieve their goal. Orthodox methods, of course. I despise underhand means. Using underhand means to achieve the goals equate to nothing. Even at 40, I don't think I will lead a boring life. I don't want to leave faint and easily washable footprints after my life ends. I want them to last long and be impactful. No, i'm not aiming to be someone of high social status or be a president or go all out to make a difference. I just aim to have not let myself down when I need to leave the world one day. (*touches the wooden desk)

Probably because my parents have been supportive of many things that I want to do, and there's no emotional strings attached, I'm used to going ahead with my decisions if i've analysed the pros and cons and am willing to fall and climb back up if any obstacles along the way make me trip.
I don't really comprehend "Because whoever doesn't like me doing this or that, or wearing certain kind of clothes, or setting a curfew." If it's for valid or safety reasons, fine. But if it's based on personal likes and dislikes or biasness, It won't stop be from doing what I want. I'm not unreasonable nor a rash person. I go with reason. Level your reasoning with me and I'll accept it. Cuz I understand everyone has different scales of importance in their lives. You have yours, I have mine.

But if you're aimlessly leading life day to day, hello? Wake up, please! For the sake of people who cherish and love you - those whose heart will ache for you, will sacrifice for you, will cry for you, will lend a genuine helping hand to you in times of need...

I don't know how long is my life span. No ones knows. I just know I don't want to die young. I don't want to die with a tainted heart. I don't want to die with too many regrets in my life. However, the Law Of Attaction says the more you hate for something negative to happen, the more you'll attract the negative to occur. Therefore, i'm changing my perspective to what I WANT to happen. As the renowned book, The Secret, reveals, think positivey of what you WANT to happen, and the universe will work out its way to make things happen that way.

Thanks to encouragements and tips from The Secret, i'm looking forward to life more possitively and gearing myself to charge forward, positively. :)



Disclaimer: If you think it's you i'm pointing fingers at. No, i'm not. I'm talking about the world in general. Really, trust me, will you? :)

Aloha!

ALOHA!~

It's been a long long time since i've written in my blog here. But i've been writing on papers meanwhile, expressing my spurs of thoughts with the primitive way of hand, pen, and good old paper. And after a long time since i've set foot here, I'm gonna post my birthday wishlist. How nice, eh?

Hahaha...

To think the stuff aren't cheap.. But it's just wants... for reference, or maybe, a good way is to bao ang bao. All are welcomed!
Hahahaha!

Here goes!

1) 64-keys Keyboard
I'm fine with a cheap cheap or secondhand one. As long as it works well, and looks decent. :D



2) Diesel Fuel for Life [Unlimited] Perfume [booked for now ;p]
Love the smell! But there're 2 version, one if the normal Fuel for Life which is common everywhere. But I like the one that's black in colour with a stronger smell - the "Unlimited" version of it.



3) Coach Purple Heritage Coin Purse / Skinny
Love the purple! Wished to use it as a name card/ez-link holder for everyday use. ;)

This is the one in pink, though i like this too, my ideal is in purple! :D


4) Ionic Hair Dryer
Preferably with silent function so that i can use it in the night without disturbing my family who's asleep. Oh, if it's in purple colour, it'll be perfect. But of course, the functions are more important. ;p



5) iPhone Red leather outer cover
With the flap to protect the entire phone from all corners and front and back. Something like my current cover, just in red. ;p



6) Burberry Wallet
I know this is too much, but it's a wishlist, right? I'm just wishing upon a star... >_<



7) Watch (Fulfilled by the family! Muacks & hugs!)
Black metal strap. With black crystals, and multiple dials. Preferably with date.


8) National Geographic Magazine Annual Subscription
I've been wanting this for a long time since i got hooked onto reading this when i was an intern with a magazine. My brother loves it too so it's killing 2 birds with just a stone! ;p



9) Car
Okay, I know it's impossible. Or you could get me a car model of Audi R8 Spyder. I want a red one, please! Hahaha! >_<



Lastly, whatever you guys get me, i'll definitely like it. Cuz though cliche, i understand fully the meaning of "it's the thoughts that counts". ;D

Love,
Ching ;D

Photos stir so much in me...without doing anything at all...

I love taking pictures. I dare not say I love photography, cuz I don't know much about it. But I dare say I love taking photos, of others, myself, and scenes of life. (Very much in the auto mode of my fabulous new love of a year - the Canon Powershot SX100IS - only occasionally in aperture or shutter speed mode.)

I have not much of an idea how to maneuver the manual function on my semi-pro camera, but I simply play around it randomly, discovering a new way to take an awesome photo every time - Capturing moments I would like to keep in still. And I'm glad I did.

These memories refresh my happiness, sadness, and all kinds of feelings in a bowl. Bitter and sweet, just like dark chocolate. To me at this point of my life, I think life is just like dark chocolate. It's bitter, and sweet. You can't have too much of it, nor too little. Sometimes your taste buds tell you it's too bitter, other times it screams with sweetness. Too much of either is never good.

I like tasting bitterness, because it makes me cherish sweetness even more. So do I love sweetness, because it proves to me all that bitterness beforehand were worth it. But I don't like any if just one is overwhelming. A balance is perfect for me. Just that sadly, standing on the fence doesn't ensure a balance all the time. You're bound to fall to one side with any stir of the wind or a tugging arm.

I'm drifting too far off from what I intended to write initially, at 4:37am right now, Singapore time. But I don't care. I like to do free-writing. I can write and write and not stop, talking about everything on earth. But I won't, for now.

I'm feeling so darn trapped, with so many balloons of dreams and wants full-blown, tied and waiting to fly. But they just can't because of stupid mandatory constraints - money.

I'm waiting to fly, fly to the stars, and come back bright, nice, and welcomed by all kind faces and true hearts. But I'm stuck in the mud, pulled back by gravity and tugging on to the feeble useless wobbly legs, blaming no one but myself. As for what I'm blaming myself for, I'm not even sure. The feeling of being useless is just damn strong. So damn strong. I'm sick and freaking tired of not having an income, yet I allow myself to choose. I just slapped myself in the face. People tell me to take my time, I reply "yea" all the time, but no, I don't want to waste any more precious time. I've procrastinated too much. There are so many things for me to accomplish in this short span of life every one is granted. Nobody knows when their time's gonna be up, neither do I. I haven't accomplished anything in my life, unless you count a Bachelors of Arts and a driving license some sort of a small achievement.

I'm not looking at being a noble person who receives praises from the world, I'm too selfish being a human to be doing that. I guess small efforts within my ability is fine, though I want to do more. I'm just frustrated, I guess. And the serenity in the night releases that smile in the day and conjure tears in the eyes. For what? Don't ask me, cuz I really don't know.

I get so emotional these days, I cry almost everyday. The tears don't flow for long, but they're on a loose now. I can't control them when I'm alone anymore, although they don't bother me when I'm occupied by something else. They disappear as fast as they descent. Two blinks of the eyes and they're gone again.

Confidence, give me some. You know what? I need a lot. Just give me all you can. I need a lot to patch up the broken route.

Oh well, back to where I started this post - Photos. I was compiling photos to print that people have been chasing me for. And doing that I came across so many photos of my loved ones now in heaven. They conjure so much sadness in me, I miss them terribly, still. I suppose I'll never stop missing them, and the missing just snowballs. The scar will still hurt, no matter how hard time tries to do its job. I know I still have many living for me to love and cherish. I am clearly aware of that, and I'm precisely doing that. I can do more. I will.

A bird is welcoming the morning with its chirps in a melody at 4:56am now. It sort of calmed me down, and reminded me of yet another interview in a few hours. I have learnt to not bring my hopes up high, and stay on a safe level. If you've read up to here, thank you, but I'm not suffering from depression. I don't have severe mood swings, nor thoughts of death. Not yet. I still have so much to do, I treasure my life. *gives you a smile*

The dreams still fly high, though with the strings still stubbornly attached tightly. I'll make sure the strings snap some day, so that my balloons of aspirations would fly high and make me proud of it all.

This day... please come quick, I can bear with it no longer...

Where do I head?

The stage, one that I can call my own.

I'm searching for it.

I'm stretching my neck to the maximum to look for it, to the point that it hurts.

But I can't see it.

I don't have a map in my hands, neither do I know how to draw one myself.

Lost, yet anxious to find my way there, even without the aid of a compass.

The anxiety turns into actions, that just pushes me back to the floor.

If I could spin myself aimlessly and find myself there somehow, I might just do that.

But I'm lost.

Lost with no idea how to get there.

Where do I make my first step?

Just lost, and the anxiety of heading aimlessly is killing me slowly, silently.

The frustrations.

Time is ticking, ferociously.

It's ticking so fast, it's not waiting for me, nor anyone.

Time, there's none for procrastination.

Time to take actions, but I don't know how...

I'm not even sure if I'm good enough to get there, but I want to.

I just want to...

Again, I need the confidence. Where can I get some? I need some. In fact, I need a lot to get by, to hold on tightly to those idealistic things people named nicely as “Dreams”.

Chase it?

How?

Seriously, I have no idea...

Tell me, and I'll make my way there...

Nice little treat for the new year...

I received a reply from Xiah JunSu of my favourite TVXQ on UFOtown!!!

UFOtown is a website/SMS service that sends your messages to the artiste direct and they take time to reply to you personally. (I would rather not doubt the truth of it and take it as the truth ;p) Apparently, in China and Korea, this service works through SMS.

So here's a screencap of the reply!

I wrote in English...


He replied in Korean...


Website translates the Korean message into Mandarin automatically since I'm using the service through the China counterpart of the originally Korean service.


[ALL RIGHTS RESERVED!]

Such a little thing and it lifts my mood. Haha... I bet JunSu was the one who replied to this cuz I wrote in English. It probably stood out a little from the rest of the messages in Korean. Gee...

Anyway, have a blessed new year ahead!

2008

[ALL RIGHTS RESERVED FOR THE PHOTO]

The year our family lost two of our loved ones – Aunt AiAi and Grandpa.
The year I finally graduated with a Bachelor's and wore the square hat.
The year I had an enjoyable and memorable trip to USA with my lovely nine.
The year I had our first trip out with my dear V3 to HongKong.
The year I really learnt so much about cherishing my loved ones more.
The year I needed to expose myself to the society.
The year that leaves me on the fence.
The year that taught me immeasurable amount of lessons.
The year that left me with many tasks unaccomplished.

It is a bittersweet year. And happiness and hurt are feelings so pure and distinctive.

The only way to appreciate bliss is to have a taste of bitterness.
The flavours of life.
Only the contrast would make happiness stand out. Things that were once taken for granted seem so much of an importance now. Things that 'you-never-knew' appears before me vividly now.

Good times and bad times. Every year is a mixture of that, just that this year I'm feeling the impact so much more. Good or bad, these are lessons I have to learn and will learn sooner or later. Things that are fated to happen, things that are entwined in your life, things that are bound to happen, or waiting to happen.

Life, it's all about a few decades on earth with a hopefully healthy body. It's for you to taste the flavours of life and take risks and accomplish tasks. Once you're done, time is up. Sometimes there isn't enough time for some to accomplish what they've set their mind to do, but time is up for them, period.

I know time will not stop for me, and the lessons I've learnt will threaten me to stop procrastinating and start filling my life with more colours.

If I could buy one thing, I would buy health and store it so that any loved ones or I could use it if needed.

If I could buy a second thing, I would buy safety to keep myself and all loved ones safe.

And if I could buy a third thing, I would buy confidence for myself. I really lack it and need encouragement from time to time to keep it at a minimum level.

My wishes are getting simpler by the year. Maybe I'm getting old too...

I hope, sincerely and with all my heart, that the new year, 2009, will be a smooth-sailing year. It need not be a splendid year, even though it would be fabulous if it will be, but I'll make do with a year without unhappy events.

Just want all my family and friends to stay safe, healthy, and happy.

Love you. *hugs*

Misunderstood...

I fought with myself, if I should publish this article, afraid it might cause any unneccessary misunderstanding again when I really don't mean what was misinterpreted. Supressed, yes I am. How can I not be after such a scare? But I figured that's not the way to keep my thoughts to myself. If I don't explode from being wronged and not being able to explained myself, I'll just be crushed. Although I'm thankful there were still people who trusted that I didn't mean what was misintepreted.

I guess if there's someone who's most upset about the incident, it would be me. Being misunderstood that I'm a childish immature insensitive kid who points her fingers at others when I don't know a thing. Being misunderstood by people who I keep in my prayers when I pray for the health and safety of my entire family whenever I pray to Guan Yin NiangNiang; People who I cherish who have or don't have blood ties with me, but as important; my family, friends, and all relatives, distant or not.

I'm learning more and more how precious life is especially in these few weeks, having just lost our grandfather and Aunt AiAi several months ago, knowing Cai, who just lost his mother months ago and grandfather a week ago, has another grandfather on the losing end with his fight with the illness, and uncle's friend meeting with an accident and struck with a coma, his destiny ahead a mystery. I am thankful and grateful, I really am, of what I have right now. Simple, yet so important, and sometimes taken for granted. My family and friends all mean so much to me, words aren't enough to bring that out. And being misunderstood by these people who I cherish as well, is certainly an awful feeling.

Just wanted to say, blog-reading is something that has to be done with an open mind, bearing in mind that if the writer seems to be pointing fingers, the person is probably not you he/she is referring to. And if anything sounds offensive yet subtle, then it's probably not referring to what you're thinking. In any case, if it's not written out, then it doesn't mean what one has misintepreted. I guess I'm still worth being given that benefit of doubt? I'm not that unworthy of that little bit of trust, am I? If you know me enough, you would trust that I wouldn't do such a thing, knowing the writing has an audience, albeit not big, but people who are important enough in my life. If it was something that was meant to offend anyone in the first place, it wouldn't have been published. Although in the first place, there was really nothing for me to be pointing at.

If anything, please confront me, cause then I would know what went wrong, and be given a chance to explain myself. I want to clear any misunderstanding. Ask me, please. I really hate the feeling of being wronged. The simple words, the heartbroken thoughts that were put into words on the night after grandpa left us, misunderstood and twisted – never meant to hurt. They were written not to point fingers at anyone, cause I don't have the right to, and neither do I need to. I simply do what is clear with my conscience and don't do what is against it. Words that weren't meant to hurt, injured others eventually, but I didn't know why. Although I really didn't mean it that way. I didn't get a chance to explain myself, but I hope the adults' explaination on my behalf sufficed to clear the misunderstanding – that the words never meant to hurt, that sentence were just a simple wish on my part. As simple as a wish like for a job to land as soon as possible, or for the rain to stop. A girl, wishing for the best for her family. That's it. Nothing in between the lines at all. Not at all. Never meant to refer to anything else except those that were written. Sincerely. As for the stating of the hours, it was merely a log for myself to remember what I did, in case I lost my memory or can't recall any part of the incident one day. The stating of the time was never meant to mean something else, it was written just like i would have written in a paper diary with intentions along the line of - “Rainy day, 11:oopm. I spent the last four hours in the cafe, waiting for my friend to arrive with my book.” Different words, different situation, but written with the same intentions. A pure intention of just noting down what I did, in case one day I forgot, or lost my memory (touch wood!). As simple as that.

I hope the misunderstanding is further cleared from the roots now. It was bugging me, and I'm letting it go already. It won't bug me anymore, just like I hope the misintended hurt that the misintepretation caused would subside and fade away eventually, bringing back the gentle ripples in the sea, and maintaining the way it was. A new year ahead, a new chapter to write. As cliche as it may sound, let bygones be bygones.

End of 2008.
End of all misunderstandings.
End of it...

Goodbye, KongKong...

It took me a long time before mentioning about Yee didn't hurt, and now, calling KongKong sting my eyes with tears and delivers a stab in my heart.

We received a call from Aunt Aileng around 5am, telling us that she got a call from the hospital, asking us to rush down as Grandpa is at his last. I don't know how I bruhed my teeth, and did away with washing my face, and threw on any plain looking clothes, and we rushed our way to the hospital, hoping to bid him farewell for the last time.

When we reached the hospital, I already had a bad feeling, and as we were about to enter the ward, the nurse's expression already told me something. Once we saw KongKong's face drained of blood and tucked in neatly, lying still, we knew the answer. But poor Grandma still wasn't aware that Grandpa had left cuz the non-chinese nurses couldn't communicate with her. She sat there crying alone as she reached the hospital first, asking us to call Grandpa to get him to wake up, thinking he was still alive. But Grandpa couldn't hold on any longer, he was too much in pain, and had to go before we and Uncle Boon arrived. He left quietly at 0458 hours, and I really really hope he wasn't in too much pain when he left. His body was still warm when we rushed down within the hour of the call. KongKong...

On one hand, I knew this was a relief for him, free of all pain and illnesses and meeting his mother-in-law and daughter in heaven, looking upon us. On the other hand, I'm missing him terribly already. I held in my tears all day, not wanting to affect Grandma with my grief. She's sad enough, having to cope another death of her loved one within the same year. She hasn't even gotten over Aunt AiAi yet, and KongKong can't accompany her anymore.

When we went home with Grandma while the body was being cleaned and embalmed at the casket, I almost thought I saw KongKong coming out from the shower. And then I knocked myself out of it, reminding myself that KongKong has left. I couldn't help but walked into KongKong's room, looking at the things he left behind. Every single thing in its own special place reminded me of him. And the tears came again. I miss him so much... so much... But the whole family was there, leaving for the casket, and I swallowed the tears again, wiping off the stains on my cheeks and avoided any eye contact. I just couldn't help it. Then the busy day extended from there. We were kept busy all the time that there was hardly time to quieten down and grieve silently on my own. My appetite was lost until my stomach grumbled to notify its emptiness with only gastric juices. But my brains weren't emitting signs to start an appetite, it was just lost with our lost.

KongKong is dressed smartly, neatly, and nicely in a gentlemanly suit, just as he would like it. He had always been especially particular about his cleanliness and neatness. And we took extra care that he was dressed in his best suit for his last. Mum, JingYu, Dad, and I rushed around to look for a presentable shirt to match his coat as the shirts he owned were quite old already. The shirt is Mum's final present to him.

December 13, both his birth date and death date. Being a traditional person, he disliked the number 13, and doesn't like celebrating his birthday on the 13th and instead celebrates according to his birthday on the lunar calendar. Borned in 1925 (according to the birth certificate) and passed away in 2008, having lived for 83 years, bringing us countless precious memories and love.

The wake will last for five days, so that Uncle Boon would have enough time to bid his father farewell and accompany him on the last journey. If there is anything I can do now for KongKong, it is to take extra care of Grandma. This, we've been doing, and will do so more often. I hope the other relatives would drop by to visit her more often too. Like I mentioned yesterday, you might not enjoy their accompany, but they would definitely appreciate yours. If the workers from the church can do so to show their concern, why can't we, as family members, make the extra effort to care more for our grandmother who loves us with all her heart and kindly given us so much unconditional love? After all, it is only right to do so. Because she deserves the care and concern, and should be showered with more to fill up KongKong's now empty space.

Sigh... well, at least my conscience is clear, as we accompanied KongKong the entire day and almost entire night yesterday, being with him since 2pm to 10:30pm. I had a weird feeling, and messaged many to ask if they were coming to visit, but most were busy with other things in their lifes. I guess it can't be helped. At least he wasn't alone the entire day, many concerned relatives made an effort to make a trip down, even if it was just for a while. I'm sure KongKong appreciated that although he couldn't show it.

And so, this is what they call, "they more you experience in life, the more you'll learn to let go of things you once held so tightly and thought so highly of." As time goes by, our journey of learning never stops, just like the journey of life.

I will always miss you so badly, KongKong. So badly. The way you call me "Ah Pui Jie" or "Zhu Zai Ching" even though I hated the nicknames cuz they were pointed at my size, it was an exception that I couldn't get angry about cuz I knew your teasing isn't meant as hurt but out of pure love. How you called JingYu "JinYu JinGai Curry Gai." And even how you like to beat JingYu's butt when we drop by for dinner every Saturday when we head home. There are so many things that will remind us of your presence in our lifes...

I'll let time heal the wound, but the vivid memories will never ever fade...

I love you forever, KongKong.

Goodbye...

Please hang on...

I sat there alone, in my grandfather's ward, watching him struggling with every breath. We keep telling him to wait for Uncle Boon to come back, and he seems to respond somehow, giving a slight nod or letting out a soft noise, to let us know that he's still fighting on with all his might to see his son. Being alone in the room with just him is utterly depressing, my heart aches with every sight of him trying his best to breathe with the oxygen provided through the oxygen mask. My cousin said the amount of oxygen they're providing through the mask is already at the maximum of 15. My heart skips a beat when I don't hear anything, then pounds quickly again once I hear him breathing again, as if trying to make up for the missed beat.

My tears threaten to burst out of its boundaries any moment.

We stayed in the hospital fromm 2pm to 10pm+ today, trying to keep Grandpa company. I don't want him to wake up from his drowsy state and find no one beside him. I guess it'll feel quite horrible. I want to be by his side whenever I can, cuz I don't want any regrets. I grew up at my grandparents' place, so they practically brought me up until Primary 5 when I shifted back to stay with my parents. They brought me to school, took care of me, and gave me unconditional love. Of all the cousins, I think I stayed the longest with my grandparents. I don't know if that equates to how close I am to them or the love I have for them, I just know I love and cherish them very much. Many grandchildren these days cannot even communicate with their grandparents, but I'm proud to say I don't have a problem speaking to them, having spoken their dialect and growing up with their care. I enjoy their company, and I know they enjoy mine too. When I'm free after school, I would sometimes pop by their house and start rambling about my day, my friends, or anything under the sky, simply because I know grandparents enjoy their grandchildren's company, even if they can't communicate. At least I wouldn't have regrets on this part, cuz I made extra efforts to spend time with them. And I will continue to make more efforts accompanying my two grandmothers. It's a pity that many don't get to communicate with their grandparents, sometimes even parents. Why not make an effort today? You might not enjoy their company, but they'll definitely enjoy yours. And that's enough.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and I guess it'll be the same tonight. Every time I close my eyes, the images comes to mind, playing at its own rate right in front of my closed eyelids. It's unbearable, the pain and worry. I kept praying, and crying, and praying, that I lost count. The only thing I hope for now is that Grandpa is not feeling too much pain holding on, and that Uncle Boon would make it home in time. He would be taking his flight some hours later, arriving only 19 hours later. 19 hours may seem like a short time if you're not in a hurry, but these 2 days are of utmost importance for us.

Our entire family is praying hard, and I believe regardless of religions, the kind gods above will try their best to work their magic. I can't bear to let Grandpa go, but his body has gone through the toil over the decades and did its best serving its master well. I understand everything comes to an end one day, machines wear out, so do humans. This, I know, I knew long ago, but I guess I'll never be ready for it. Not this kind.

The doctor came in today, to inform us of what they'd done to help him recover, but the ailing body is not responding to the strongest medicine, and nothing much can be done except to provide the oxygen and keep Grandpa as comfortable as possible so that he's not in pain.

Please, let Grandpa hang on until he sees his son. That's all I ask for. I love you, KongKong. Always will. Please hang on for just a little more. Please...

The "Downs"

I know it's silly, but the "pre-birthday depression" has hit my shores again. Every year, without fail, I get these weird "down" days, and the rainy season doesn't help, it just leaves me feeling even more depressed. PMS probably chipped in too, whatever.

I hope to spend my 22nd birthday at a peaceful and quiet place this year. Probably to smooth out what 2008 had done to me. Joy? Yup, certainly. Pain and loss, definitely. Achievement, if graduating with a Bachelors of Arts count.

I just feel like having a relaxing birthday this year. Not really having a party in mind, probably just simple joy at a peaceful and beautiful place with fresh air with some of my favourite people, even one will do. Just need someone to go with me, cuz of various concerns.

Simple one.

Anyone wants to join me? My birthday falls on a Saturday (November 15, 2008) and I plan for it to be a weekend escapade.

Check out http://www.zuji.com.sg . The cheapest package is at $78. I dont have much excess money to spend too, but my "down-ness" calls for it... Gee..

My Dad says I'm full of weird ideas, and he doesn't understand why I have to spend my birthday overseas when I don't even hold a full-time job yet. Even if it sounds illogical and immature, topped with irresponsibility and childishness, so be it. "Living for the moment" sounds irresponsible, but... oh well...

I'm enjoying rotting at home when I don't have to work currently, but not with the delay of my pay for the previous month.

Just wanna look at.. the sunset...

---------------------------------

노을..바라보다 [Look at... the sunset]
Officially known as Picture of You in English



[ All rights reserved for this photo of the sunset.]



TRANSLATION
Credits to: qinaaax3
Taken from: http://makikawaii.wordpress.com/tag/dbsk/

After the after glow sets,
I’m going towards you,
Following the lights which turn on one by one

I’ll embrace you,
Before the cold wind makes your shoulders flinch

I love you,
The foolish you,
You’re so precious to me

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I’ve prayed for,
They’re going towards you with my sincere scent
More than the air I breathe

I hope that my wishes of smiling next to you every new morning,
Will be able to come true

I’ll wait for you,
I’ll never let go of your hands,
Even if it’s only tears,
I’ll wipe them away for you

Although we are not able to see the end,
No matter how bumpy our road is,
I’ll promise you, please be mine

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
All the dreams I’ve prayed for,
They’re going towards you with my sincere scent,
More than the air I breathe,

‘I love you’ ‘You’re the only one’,
I want to yell those words out into the sky
I love you, my heart which feels like bursting is calling out to you

No matter how many times they find us,
No matter if we can’t breathe,

Like those invisible flower-like smiles,
Which shine just like the stars,
I’ll keep you safe beautifully

As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,
I love you, I love you,
You’re the most beautiful in this world,
This dream-like heart,
More than the air I breathe


Romanization of lyrics

Noul..baraboda

jonyok nouri jigo hana dul kyojinun
bulbichul taraso noege gago iso
chagaun barame umchurin ne okaega
naeryo antgi jone naega gamsajulke

nal bwa love
you babogatun gudae
gu modun goshi naegen da sojunghangol

*gudae wiro toorun taeyangmankum
nuni bushin i gasumuro
gidaryojun shiganmankum nol naega jikyojulke

gidohan modun kumi ganjolhan
nae hyanggiro nama uril hyanghae iso
More than the air I breathe
More than the air I breathe

balgaol achime hamke usul su innun
naui baraemduri irwo
jil su itdorok
naega gidarilke ne son nochi anhulke
nunmul punira haedo naega dakajulke

kuchi boiji anhado
amuri homhan giriljirado yaksokhalke
my
my my my please be mine

*Repeat

saranghandago ijen gudae punirago
jo hanul kute sorichyo jonhago shipo
love you tojildutan gasumi gu
daerul burugo iso

apun shiryoni uril chajawado
gu apume mok meowado
da orumanjyo jul su innun naega do saranghalke
tumyonghan usumkochi banjjaginun jo byol
dulchorom
arumdapge nol nomanul bichwojulke
gudae wiro toorun taeyangmankum
nuni bushin i gasumuro
gidaryojun shiganmankum nol naega jikyojulke
saranghae nol saranghae
sesang
gajang nunbushin gudae kumgyolgatun i mam

More than the air I breathe

--------------

It's currently one of my favourite favourite favourite songs in the playlist on relentless repeat. :)

Update

Grandpa has been transferred out of the MICU! He's now in the general ward, although still in the High Dependency Unit. But it means he should have improved enough to get out of the ICU.

We went to see him last night and he seems better too. The oxygen mask routine has to continue, but it's been reduced to 2 hours of oxygen mask, then 2 hours of breathing on his own, down from the previous 3 hours of oxygen mask then 1 hour of breathing on his own. There are also at least 2 nurses always on standby in the High Dependency ward, but the surroundings are much better than in the ICU. Even visitors feel more comfortable in the general ward, knowing the patient is one step closer to recovery. The ICU is quite suffocating, psychologically. This current ward has television too, so at least grandpa can get distracted by the television when he has the oxygen mask on, cuz he really dislikes the discomfort caused by the mask. Last night while we were there, and it was time for the oxygen mask to be put on again, he told the nurse he wanted to watch the tv programme first, so the nurse delayed it a little until the show ended. But we all know Grandpa doesn't like watching chinese tv programmes, much less a chinese variety show that was being shown. Gee... The doctors are monitoring his conditon and slowly giving him less help in breathing with the oxygen mask according to his ability to breathe on his own.

Grandpa will get better soon... :)

It's a public holiday today (Oct 1) Hari Raya Puasa, as well as Children's Day. So everyone gets a rest at home, then we'll head to the hospital to visit Grandpa again.

JingYu's first big exam of his life, PSLE, is coming this Friday. Same for JinHao. JingYu's just a little distance away from being very well-prepared, though his science showed significant improvement after the months of tuition in science from me. What an irony cuz science has never been my forte. Haha.. I hope JinHao is prepared too, from the guidance of his Dad. JinCai's exams will finally be over next wednesday (Oct 8) after a battle of the exams for an entire month. Hopefully by then Grandpa would have been discharged and we'll bring the boys to visit grandpa, and have a cousins' gathering.

:)

Love,
Ching

-------------------------------------------------
The above is what I just sent to my Uncle Boon, one of the many I've been writing in the past weeks.

Writing emails to my Uncle in Canada everyday has been like writing a diary. Everyday I update him about Grandpa's condition, as well as our daily lives, and my two little cousins' life. Hope to meet JinCai and JinHao soon, after the little ones' first big examinations of their lives, the PSLE. It's been quite some time since we met up, and I miss you guys.

-------------------------------------------------

Graduation's this Saturday (Oct 4) at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in the afternoon. We have to be there by 10:30am for briefing and whatever else. Guests will arrive later at 12:30pm. We've had our first graduation ceremony in OCU during our stay there, of which it felt more like a fun thing than an acutal graduation cuz we hadn't really graduated, with a few subjects still uncompleted. Now that we're done with everything, and going for a real graduation, it evokes another feeling. Mixed feelings, they say. "Rojak" feelings.

Then the next day, Oct 5, I'll be flying to Hong Kong for a short trip with my lovelies. We've came out with a very detailed itinerary and I hope nothing comes in our way to disrupt it. I'm looking forward to the Giant Buddha visit, where I can pray for Grandpa's recovery. I really hope he can recover soon... or it'll be hard for me to really enjoy, worrying about him constantly. Now that his condition has improved, my hopes are climbing a little in altitude.

For now, I need to start packing...

:)

I'm fine...

I'm okay...

Thank you, my dears, for giving me strength. Your little messages of concern definitely lifted me up. I love you all so much. I know I'm not alone and have support from you lovelies. Thanks... :)

I'm just a little physically tired from all the journey to the hospital on top of an entire day's work. (Not that I need to run about for my job, but, you know, work just tires you out, even on days when you weren't even productive at work.)

On days that I have to make my way to the hospital from work alone, I either fall asleep in the bus, zone out, or am trying hard to fight back the tears from the heartache developing from the sight of Grandpa suffering. The music blasting in my ears help sometimes, and some other times I'm pushing away negative thoughts, praying hard, talking to Guan Yin Niang Niang, praying for her to hear my pleas and grant my wish again. It has always worked, from minor hopes to major wishes. And I'm hopeful that it'll work again.

Grandpa has to go through an operation to insert a tube/pipe to enable him to breathe properly on his own without the help of the oxygen mask. The oxygen mask had been making him rather uncomfortable, but that was already a step better than having two thick breathing tubes stuck down his throat on the first two days. Upon consent from family members, the operation would take place next Monday (Sept 29). I don't know much about the operation and how it would help, or the risks involved cuz the parents haven't got a chance to speak to the doctors about the operation yet to sign the papers.

I'm holding positive thoughts, and praying hard for the best outcome.

:)

好累。。。

Tired,
Sleepy,
Hungry,
Pain.
Just wanna rest... and be relieved that Grandpa's on the way to recovery.

休息，是为了走更远的路。
可是我没有时间。
而且，前方的路，该怎么走？
好累。。。

Keep out, trouble.

My grandfather's hospitalised in the MICU ward.
I'm terribly worried about his condition.
I had insufficient sleep last night.
My wisdom tooth had been hurting, and especially painful today.
It's Monday and I have to climb out of bed early to go to work.
I paid double for my cab fare because of a freaking jam.
I have car sick from the jerky taxi ride stuck in the jam.

These reasons are enough to keep me in a horrible mood for the entire day. I don't need more.

外面的天气阴晴不定,
我的内心也像开了的汽水一样,
飘浮不定.

泡泡一点一点的灭,
热情也离我越来越远.

明媚的天色,
让我看到出口.

雷雨交加,
却使我连呼吸都觉得困难.

海阔天空的前方, 到底哪里才容得下我?

眼泪不经落下...

家家有本难念的经

家家有本难念的经 (Every household has their own problems outsiders won't understand)

It's not an easy "scripture"(经) to read. Even if you're very close to your family members, there are bound to be frictions, conflicts, and difference in opinions, taking into account the generation gap as well. Point of views differ, but it takes an open heart and open mind to accommodate another opinion. True, you can try to convince me on your point of view, I can understand where you're coming from, but please, why not try to think from my point of view and try to understand me a little more?

Trained to look at an issue from many points of view from my education in the polytechnic to be a media person, I look at various things from a lot of different aspects, and I found the beauty of it. I could explore and find many different points of views, I could understand some, or find some disgusting, but it doesn't matter if I accept the other opinions cuz at least I'd tried to see it from a different angle. There's no need to put down my opinion or question like that. No one's entirely right, I'm just trying something different. You get agitated easily, even when I'm not even trying to agitate you at all. And when your fire's burning, you bring in many other non-related matters. I thought I learnt to shut up when I sense the slightest heat of your fire. But sometimes, the patience just run out. I know, everything you say or do, it's for my good. I know you love us, and want the best for us. I know you've given me a lot of freedom in many areas since young. I know you let me make many decisions on my own, even though there were some you didn't like. I know. But I just need you to give me more space for my opinions.

I'm not trying to impose my so called "modern day thinking" kind of opinions on you, I just tried to present to you different viewpoints that would make yourself less angry at other things or people, but you couldn't understand where I'm coming from, and splashed cold water at those thoughts. It doesn't help that she likes adding fuel to the fire in the battlefield. I know she's not as smart, and grew up overprotected by outstanding and overspoken siblings. I should have gotten used to it. Oh well.

I treasure our blood-related ties more than I seem to be on the exterior. Or rather, more than what you think. I just can't seem to be able to show it that much. You break my heart when you say you don't expect me to support you in your old age. I want to. Do I seem that unfilial? Stop saying that. I'm not heartless.

Don't say things that pollute our ties when you feel the anger rising. It's not worth it over little matters like that. Breathe.

Lastly, I still love you no matter what happens. The love for you all will never die, even if the physical body dies.

And I will make myself master the skill of shutting up my mouth and learn the art of it. It's not easy, cuz I wanted you to understand, but it seems to be better if I just listen, or pretend to understand even if I didn't.


The clock's ticking,
I'm always learning...

The Balance

In this world, if you refuse to compromise and then think lightly of it, it'll be a torture. By saying "thinking lightly of it," I mean that one doesn't think of it as a sacrifice, but giving way to someone more important, something that might be better, something that makes everyone happy. If you think of it that way, you feel better, and everything becomes better.

For example, when you go on a trip overseas together, everyone compromises to find a date to set off, compromise on the places each person wants to go, and compromise on every other thing. But if the company is worth it, and everyone gives in some way or another, things will turn out fine.

Even simple things like deciding on a place to eat, sometimes this person gives in, another time another person gives in. It doesn't really have to be fair all the time, as long as things don't result in something bad. It's not business deals, so it doesn't have to be a fair trade all the time.

Selfishness and kindness are both in born. However, some events occur throughout one's life and change these beliefs, which then causes a change in attitude and behavior.

It's difficult to strike a balance between these two. Too much of either makes one's own life more difficult. So it's hard to blame if people can't find this center of gravity. It's just how they handle their lives. Change for the good or the worse, it's up to people to decide.

P.S: It's just some random thoughts.
Disclaimer: I don't point to specific events, just some general thoughts that can come from daily life, television shows I saw, books I've read, or websites I've seen. Random, that is. ;P

I like to people watch, and analyse people. I like studying psychology, cuz it's simply interesting. Then again, sometimes I think analyzing so many things in life is pretty tiring, why not just let things take its course in nature? Why must there be a solid plan for everything? Does a plan mean things will go the way you want them to? Of course, I'm not saying plans are useless, they are indeed very useful and of utmost importance in many areas. There, again, one just has to find the balance.

Steph said I should blog more often, to let others know what's going on in my mind cuz I don't often speak of them in person. I find typing or writing out my thoughts easier. My tongue is a little tied pretty often cuz my brains work faster than the tongue, and when I wanna say subject A, my brains are already processing the thoughts for subject B.
Okay, I will, Steph!

I was walking to Somerset towards my bus stop after I parted with Stephy at Ngee Ann City, and I saw this old man playing an instrument in the middle of the walkway as a busker. When I dropped that one dollar coin in, he paused his melody and said "Xie xie" (Thank You) to me with a bright smile, lacking some teeth. It immediately stirred a little something in me. I felt like I did something good for the day, and my mood immediately rose up the ranks, not that I was in a bad mood in the first place. But being able to help another gives a simple yet great feeling. I only wished I could do more. I love my grandparents dearly, having grown up with them, so old people on the streets having to make a living on their own makes me feel really bad. Of course, not all are out on the streets because their children are not supporting them well, I'm referring to those who do this because their children aren't doing what they can to support their parents who have painstakingly raised them up with all their might. Shame on them!

Every year, I go to Lim Chu Kang to pray to my grandfather (Dad's father) whom I've never met cuz he went to heaven even before my parents got married. I go not because I'm forced to, my parents never forced me, and they even gave me the option to stay home if I had tests or exams the next day, but I want to go. All because I felt that it's the least I could do. All grandparents like to see their grandchildren, all parents like to see their children too. Doesn't matter if they're alive or not, it's the livings' thoughts that count. Having read this, when was the last time you visited your grandparents, gave them a hug, and listened to them? Go ahead..
I gave my grandparents and parents a hug when I headed to the states, and another when I came back. Hugs are gifts of warmth, a gift that doesn't require any money nor too much effort, and are precious little gifts. Friends and family alike, a hug is more powerful than a thousand words. I visit my grandparents almost every week, cuz like I mentioned earlier, all old people like to have their grandchildren and children by their side, even if it's for a short while. Moreover, time doesn't wait for anyone, don't wait till the moment when regret kicks in. When regret starts kicking in, it's probably too late. So, don't wait if you can.


Wow... unknowingly, I've written so much again... I could go on and on... but I'm tired so I shall continue some other time cuz my random thoughts never end, they simply spiral off into something new. Co-relation? Uh-huh!

;P

"Uh-huh"

The Nine took a total of 17,526 photos on our trip in the states, which takes up a whooping 29.5GB in my computer's memory space. Impressive huh... All thanks to our narcissism and love and passion for photo-taking. Never mind the photo-taking skills, we just love to point and shoot, throwing in some technical details like differing the focus or changing it to B&W or sepia at times. What to do? Everywhere where you point your camera at is a worthy shot, recording a moment of your life in somewhere different. And you tend to do silly poses or do things you don't do back at home when you're overseas. So there goes, the rationale for the folder of more than ten thousand photos titled "United States of America 2008," accumulated over a period of one month.

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."
I just wanna add, "and the gleeful cold.."

I can't possibly load all the photos here, and I can't decide which to upload and which not cuz they're all precious moments. Therefore, I'm gonna upload the jumping photos by Gjump, in Oklahoma and Los Angeles, in this post.

Enjoy!

A photo fit to be an advertisement for Oklahoma City University! We were all wearing our school t-shirts too!


Outside The Oklahoman, a daily newspaper in Oklahoma, after a tour of their operations.


In the TV production studio


Outside the Mass Communications Building


Not to mention Gjump's manager, who takes care of all our bags when we do our photoshoot, Daryl, and our photographer, James, who's always behind the camera. Our manager takes the role of the photographer when our official photographer goes missing too.. Hahaha..


At the National Weather Station in Oklahoma


Outside Wal-mart, where a number of us spent a considerable sum at. ;)


On Mount Scott, Wichita Mountains. Beautiful scenery, refreshing air, uplifted moods...


The vast grassland in Wichita Mountains...breathe-taking


Steph kept hurting herself, this time she missed a step and hurt her ankle right right when we were preparing to jump. So our love for this girl made us pretend to jump together. *hugs*


At Indian City, a heritage place. It's a pity lots of cultural stuff are dissappearing cuz not all people preserve them like treasures and tend to forget their roots...


Outside our Petree College of Arts and Sciences


The Cheesecake Factory from L.A., in Oklahoma. One good meal with The Nine(minus one) before we head out for our final shopping spree in OKC.


We stayed here for three weeks, spent a big fee for this hotel, but it's really worth the price. The service, the breakfast (although almost the same every single day in the three weeks, I kind of got used to it and miss it badly now), the area, the company I had...
I miss it...


With Donnie, our favorite bus captain for the three weeks in Oklahoma, who always praises us and say we'll make Singapore proud (aww...), outside Marriot Residence Inn, before leaving for L.A.



Then we went on to L.A. after the three joyful and fruitful weeks in Oklahoma...


At Disneyland, the happiest place on earth!


Outside Pacific Park at Santa Monica beach


At Universal Studios!


At Universal Studios!



Note: I edited out the extra people in some of the photos cuz I don't like extra people in our supposedly perfect photos.. Hahaha...

Love y'all, my dears!